May 25, 2010

"Can you help me out;Can you lend me a hand?
It's safe to say I'm stuck again.
Trapped between this life and the light,
I just can't figure out how to make it right.

A thousand times before,
I've wondered if there's something more;
Something more."

This song fits me pretty well lately. I've noticed a lot of my writing has been pretty depressing lately.
&&it seems as if I'm not trying to overcome this.
&&That is sad and pathetic&&I refuse to let whatever this is win.
It won't control me the way it did&&still does control my mother. I will walk away from this with my head held high, unlike her.
So today, I'm going to write about something going right. I can't say that I'm excited for anything;I feel more numb every day.
But I will figure this out.
&&I will start by trying to look at the good first.
I get to reserve my job Wednesday morning. This is something I've waited almost two years for&&it's finally happening. Ryan says he's proud. I really hope so.
Volleyball is coming up again. I hope being back on the court will help me some. I do miss it. So so much. I miss the diving. I miss the sweat. I miss the digs. I miss it all.
Ash and I found a place. We'll be moving in by the end of this week. It's kind of surreal, honestly. I did see myself being with Matt forever. Some days, I'm sure I still can. But the doubt is there&&somehow, I've changed. I love him&&what I'm doing is breaking my heart. But I know with every part of me that this is what we need. If we find our way back to each other, then I'll know that it's how it is supposed to be.
For the first time, I'm about to be able to say "my house" &&it be 100 the truth. That puts a smile on my face. I feel like I'm finally getting ahold of this growing up shit. I've been on my own for almost three years now&&though I don't get everything I want, I can take care of myself&&I don't need help. That makes me proud.
My schedule for senior year is killer;but I'm proud that I got into AP.
&&if I can make it through next year, I'll be out of high school.
This has all almost flown by me, really. Most of my friends are gone. &&I'll be leaving soon. I just can't believe that we're not those goofy little freshman kids anymore. I'm so proud of every one of my friends. Especially Erik, Ryan, Ciera, and Meme. They are all going to go so far&&none of them even see it yet. They are the most amazing people.
Ash is a good mom. &&I love Ian more than I ever thought I could love a kid. I have the best nephew ever! I want to stop cussing because I'm going to be living with him&&I don't want him to pick up bad habits. I don't want him to know about all the evils I had to face before I was ready. &&I will kill anyone that attempts to do him wrong. That little boy can turn my whole day around with a silly, lopsided smile. &&I'm going to be there for him, the way Ryan always has been for me. I'll be the best aunt ever.
I don't know that there's much else to say. I'm ready for summer. I'm ready for senior year. I'm ready to get out there on my own, even if it's hard. I'm ready to end this depression because I, and the people who love me, deserve better than what I'm doing right now. I will beat this.

"I feel it's gonna rain like this for days
Let it rain down and wash everything away
I hope that tomorrow the sun will shine
With every tomorrow brings another life
I feel it's gonna rain, for days and days
I feel it's gonna rain.

I tried to figure out, I can understand
What it means to live on again
Trapped inside the truth and the consequence
Nothings real, nothings making sense

A thousand times before
I've wondered if there's something more
Something more."

May 20, 2010

I am so far past gone. I feel...well, empty. I broke up with Matt. It killed me but I know that neither of us were happy. Most days, it takes every bit of effort I have to roll out of bed. I couldn't give him what he deserved anymore. &&he stopped trying to give me what I deserved. I'm miserable. I just want things to go back. I'm tired of feeling like all I want to do is cry and sleep. Except that I don't sleep. Not any more than 3 hours a night, anyways....I eat once a day, if that. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I used to believe in Matt&&I. I swore to never hurt him. I wanted to marry him. How do you just wake up one day&&not know anymore. How do you stop believing? I don't remember this depression starting. I just know that one day I stopped looking forward to waking up. I stopped seeing how bright my smile was. I stopped wanting to laugh. &&Then I just stopped caring. I want to be better than this. My family, my friends...they all deserve the best version of me. &&I can't seem to give that to them. Matt doesn't deserve to hurt like he is right now. &&I will never forgive myself for that. I feel like I'm being sucked more and more under. It's not getting any better. I work six days a week just to keep my mind going. Plus I've gotta save money to move. &&to fix&&plate my car. &&to pay for where the truck hit the house. &&senior pictures are coming up, 75 hours on my last check. Still not enough money to get everything paid. Most days, I honestly don't even care. The only thing that stops me from just giving up is pride. I think at this point, I could just let everything go&&it wouldn't bother me at all...I just want things back to the way they were. Idk how I got here. Idk how to fix it.