Finding God in Heartbreak

My heart is heavy with hurt for the people in CT today. There are so many things that don't make sense to me in this world. Right now, as I sit here and cradle my stomach and the little boy that lies inside it, I cannot imagine him growing up and being so broken and having so much hatred and hurt in his heart. I ache for what  that man must have been going through. I ache for the grief of twenty seven families. These people lost sons, daughters, husbands, wives, and siblings. I ache for the children of that school that were forced to watch or listen as their classmates, friends, and teachers were brutally taken from them. In these moments, I find myself growing angry at God. I ask Him how this happened, how we could have prevented it, why He didn't stop it. I grow so frustrated with His timing because my heart breaks for these people. But I have to remember that He didn't cause this. And He never left those victims, not for one second. He was there, right in the middle of their suffering and pain. He held them close to Him as Satan attempted to use a lost, broken man to wage a worldy war against our High Father. But Satan didn't win. Because God was there. "It is the Lord who goes before you; He will not leave you of forsake you..." Deuteronomy 31:8. He stayed inside the school this morning, and He refused to let Satan have even one of those victims. So I can take comfort in that. Daddy God, our Yahweh, I pray that you lift up the families of those twenty six dead, and remind them that you have not left. You have not forsaken them. I pray that You put it in their hearts to seek You when their grief becomes unbearable in the days to come. I ask that You wrap Your arms around that community as each person has a different battle to face in overcoming this. Papa, I beg that You put it in the hearts of those affected to lift this man up to You and forgive Him. He was broken. He was lost. He was living in Sin. And he does not deserve their forgiveness. But neither did we, Papa, and I pray that You help these families do the impossible and give it over to You. I know that Your plan is great. I know that You are good. I know that not everything in this world is going to make sense. And I just ask for Your comfort in those senseless times.

01 August 2012

I believe in grace. I believe that grace has eliminated the power of law over our lives. I believe that grace covers EVERY sin that has ever been committed and every sin that will EVER BE committed. I believe that love overcomes sins. And I believe that we should love the sinner but hate the sin. Jesus didn’t ignore, nor did he condone sin. He loved. He was merciful. He got down on hands and knees and washed the feet of sinners. But he did not waiver in speaking against sin. He loved the sinner so much that he gave his LIFE for them. For us. He endured our Father's punishment so we wouldn't have to. But again, he spoke against sin. He never apologized for it. He never backed down from it. As Christians, we are called to do the same. YES, we are called to love one another as we love ourselves. YES, the bible also states that we are not to judge others. And YES, a christian is also called to speak against sin. It is not being judgemental to call something what it is. We are not shouting our opinions, which is what judging would be. We are shouting His-our Abba, our Father and Creator. Yes, he loves EVERYONE. But he also hates sin. He did not create us to be sinners. He created two good people who CHOSE to stray. And because forced love and obedience is not real love, He gives us the choice to choose between sin and Himself every day of our lives. God doesn’t push us into obedience; He invites us to follow Jesus. Jesus, whose grace and love overpowers our sins. OVERPOWERS, not changes. Grace doesn't change sin. It changes YOU. It opens your eyes and changes your heart in such a way that those sins no longer have hold on your life and your spirit. The sin remains the same. It is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. And so is our God-and let me ruin the story for you, He wins! Being a Christian IS being called to love others and reach out and bring God's light into dark places. But it is also being called to stand up against Satan and to push against sin with God on our sides. We will not lay down just because the rest of the world thinks that God's word should change with the times. His word remains the same, just as He does, yesterday, today, and forever.

30 Questions.

I came across this list of questions and I decided to fill them out. Maybe I will learn something new about myself, yes? Here goes!

THE LIST:

1. List 20 random facts about yourself.  

•  I was named after "Stephanie" from Full House.
• I don't really know if  I am 4'10'' or 4'9''. I get a different reading every time.
• I am an obsessive worrier.
• I love One Tree Hill.
• Grey's Anatomy is a close second to One Tree Hill.
• I want to be a trauma surgeon.
• I love God. I am thankful that He forgives and redeems.
• I tell people I have two older brothers, but one is just my very best friend.
• I've never loved anyone like I love my nephew. It's unreal.
• I would eat cereal all day, every day if given the chance.
• I love apples, but I hate eating them.
• I have extreme social anxiety.
• I love to read.
• I love being in the Army. Most of the time.
• I want to backpack across Europe for my 25th anniversary.
• My dream vacation spot is Bermuda.
• I love love love tattoos.
• I get tunnel vision very easily.
• My favorite dog is a husky.
• I would rather have a monkey than any other animal.

2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears.

• I am deathly afraid of jelly fish. When I was around 8-10 years old, I saw a show on the discovery channel about jellyfish in tropical waters. These jellyfish can sting you, and the poison can kill you in less than two hours if you don't get treated. I would rather see a shark than a jellyfish!
• I am terrified of the dark. I know I'm almost twenty and all, but I still cannot go outside in an unfamiliar place in the dark without nearly having a panic attack. It's unbelievable. I'm not sure how it became a fear, really. It's just always been there. Maybe I watch too many scary movies.
•  I panic when I think about getting older. I've always been a little bit afraid of it, but working in a hospital makes it worse. I see these people who are barely my grandparent's ages, and they can't walk, can't eat by themselves, can't do much of anything, and it terrifies me. I want to be healthy and feel young, and have a sense of living, even when I'm that old.

3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

• Um, unfortunately, I don't have a relationship with my biological parents. I do, however, have an "adopted" mom that I know I can count on and lean toward. She's been more of a parent than I could have hoped for. I love her. I try to call at least once or twice a week. 

4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

• Reach out to God. He's there. He's waiting for you. All you have to do is turn around. His arms are open. His heart is full of love just for you.
• Love yourself, girl. No one else is going to love you the way God does except YOU.
• He is not the right guy for you. Don't keep going in these circles. You're going to stumble on such a wonderful, Godly man that your head is going to spin. Just be patient. Let go of someone who isn't right for you and doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved.
• GO TO SCHOOL. I know it sucks, but, honey, you're going to be in school for another fifteen years. I know you work more than you should have to. I know you're tired. But it doesn't get easier, so just hold your head up, look to God for strength, and keep on keeping on.
• Seriously think about the friends you surround yourself with. Some of them are a little misguided.
• Cherish volleyball. Play with everything you have. Remember why you love it. You'll miss it.
• Enjoy summer vacation. It doesn't exist in the real world.
• DO NOT CUT YOUR HAIR. It takes forever to grow back. And man is it beautiful when it is long!
• Don't sacrifice your morals for anything or anyone. The people that care about you will never ask you to.
• Derek is SO cute, isn't he? Remember that. (: 

5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?

• God. My Father has the most perfect plans for me. Feeling that in my heart gives me a joy that is so boundless.
• My marriage. Derek and I are creating this life together, sharing our love for God and our love for each other.
• My job. I feel so fulfilled. I am blessed to be doing what I love. God's purpose for me lies in this, I know.
• My friends-we have all gone in separate directions, but we're all still together. That's real friendship. I know that we will carry this bond with us on whatever journeys we take.
• My future. I am impatient for it, but only because I know how great God has planned it to be. I know in my spirit that my dreams, Derek's dreams, our dreams, were put in our hearts by Yahweh Himself. 

6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?

• Learning forgiveness. It seems odd that I would label that an experience, but I do. It's a hard concept to grasp. I struggle with it more than anything else. 

7. What is your dream job, and why?

• I hope to be a trauma surgeon. I want to spend my first 5-8 years out of school in a trauma center. After that, I will be running mission trips to Africa. I just know that Africa is my calling. I always have. I want to make a difference. I want to help heal people, physically and mentally.

8. What are 5 passions you have?

• I am FINALLY getting passionate about God! It only took me nineteen years. Shew.
• My marriage-I want to find ways to make every day of our lives together better!
• My job-I love love love what I do. I love making a difference in people's lives.
• Volleyball-If given the chance, I would step back onto the court and spend DAYS just playing.
• LIFE!  This is the only mortal life we're given. I choose to love every second of it, even the not so great ones!

9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how.

• My parents-For all of their transgressions, they have shown me who I don't want to be. They've given me the greatest lessons, ones that I still struggle with, like forgiveness. God uses them to continue pursuing me.
• My brother-He was the first one to ever protect me from anything. And the first one to ever blame me for trouble. (Ha ha). God knew that I would need someone to show me how to be strong. Whether Ryan knows it or not, he is a part of God's plan. 
• Derek-When I found him, I came home to our Yahweh. I am able to see God through Derek's eyes. He shows me grace, the same way our Father does. He shows me love and acceptance, the same way our Father does.
• Matt-Just like my parents, Matt has pushed me along with some hard learned lessons. 
• Cindy-"Mom". She has shown me what it is like to have a parent. She's given me a place to come home to, and the love that I thought I didn't deserve as a daughter. Sometimes the best family is the one you choose for yourself.
• Matt Rice-Recently, he's shown me what it really looks like to keep pushing through, even when it is easier to give up. What an awesome person and brother in law.
•  Cindy's parents-They just made it to their 50th anniversary. It gives me hope. 
• Marla-She did so amazing with raising Derek and Matt by herself. The love she has for them shines through them and pours into everyone around them. I am inspired by her strength over the last 26 years of their lives. I'm inspired at the way she raised them to be such good men.

That's only eight, but it's all I've got.
 

10. Describe your most embarrassing moment.

• Well, the most embarrassing moment that comes to mind right now is during my AIT graduation ceremony. I was walking off stage with a couple of awards in my hand, one of them being the case for a coin I had gotten. I made it all the way to my seat, and was about to sit down when the case for the coin slipped off of the top of the stack and fell onto the ground, making a loud "smack" in the middle of a silent auditorium. To make it worse, instead of picking it up, I just sat down and looked straight ahead, hoping people would pay more attention to the next person on stage than to me. So, a Sergeant in the next row stood up, picked it up, and handed it to me. I felt SO awkward for the rest of the ceremony. (And this happened at the beginning!)

11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have.

• Drawers/doors being left open.
• Taking something out and not putting it away.
• Leaving dirty socks in your shoes, on the floor, under the couch cushions, etc.
• Clutter.
• Damp towels.
• Someone talking to me like I am five and can't understand basic concepts.
• Honking the horn.
• The bed not being made. 
• My stuttering when I am nervous or angry.
• Being told "It's okay" when I'm upset. 

12. Describe a typical day in your current life.

• Hm. Wake up at six, rush to get dressed, head on post by 0645, get the change-over report from night shift, start working. I work until four. Head home, spend time with Derek, eat dinner, try to sleep because I have to be up for work at six. (When I write it down, it sounds a lot less fun than it actually is. Ha ha.)

13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have.

• Independence-I don't ask for or accept help. I try to do and deal with everything by myself. It stresses me out more than I need to be stressed and it makes Derek feel like I don't trust him to help. I have way too much pride sometimes.
• I am not a morning person. Waking up early is my LEAST favorite thing to do. It makes me tired all day, even if I got enough sleep.
• I don't have the discipline to work out like I should. I'm pretty healthy, but I should work out more and I severely need to discipline myself to do so.
• I love to eat. Enough said.
• I don't know how to say "no" to people. I feel mean and unfair when I say no. If I tell someone no, it is usually in a text because I suck at it in person. 

14. Describe 5 strengths you have.

• Independence-I don't have to rely on other people, which makes it mean more when I choose to ask for help.
•  I know my Savior. That's the greatest strength of all. I rest in Him.
• I have strong convictions.
• I am honest, sometimes brutally so. I don't see the point in lying because I tend to forget and I will end up telling on myself within hours.
• When I love, I love completely. I fight for the people and things that I love. 

15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why?

• I would be a monkey for no other reason than I love monkeys more than any other animal!

16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments?

• Finding God.
• Making it through high school, even though I was on my own at fourteen.
• Becoming a wife.
• Graduating basic and AIT.
• Being forgiven and saved by His grace. 

17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at?

• Oh, man. There's a few things. Singing, for one. Ha ha. I wish I could dance! I don't have to be great at it, just decent. Um, how about Chemistry, so I will do good at it in college!

18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive?

• My parents, both of them. Too many things to type about. Still learning how to forgive every single day. But I will get there.

19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why?

• Right now, Germany! I want to be stationed there so I can spend three years seeing the world!

20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood.

• When I first learned how to ride my bike, I was riding around the block and ran head on into a fence. I don't even know how I didn't see it in front of me!
• We used to play hide and seek in the dark. That is by far my favorite childhood memory.
• Being grounded to the bed is the WORST punishment I've ever had to endure. It is almost torture. 

21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first?

• Oooh, I would SO have the power to read minds! Honestly, I would probably spend the first few days just listening and learning. I hope that never happens though, because I have the serious potential to abuse that power. Lol.

22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?

• It's easy to write down where I want to be in 5, 10, 15 years, but the truth of the matter is that I don't know. I have plans, but in reality, I will be where ever God decides to take me.

23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.

• Reading-It's my escape. I love to get lost in a book.
• Volleyball-Nothing compares to stepping onto the court for a good game.
• I want to learn to cook. Maybe that will become a hobby!
• This blog, or my tumblr. Stepheemarie.tumblr.com

I ran out of hobbies. Sigh.

 

24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now.

• The two are so different that I don't know words to describe it. Maybe because of how I've changed over time.

25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

• Duh. Jesus. And man would I take him to a good Chinese restaurant!

26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong?

• There are a lot of "popular notions" that the world has wrong. Compare the world with the Bible and you'll notice as well.

27. What is your favorite part of your body and why?

• My eyes. I think it is completely awesome that my eyes turn black when I'm angry.

28. What is your love language?

• I wish I could say that I knew what that meant, but I haven't read that book so I don't actually know what my love language is.

29. What do you think people misundertand most about you?

• I think a lot of people just get bad first impressions of me. They don't give themselves time to misunderstand anything, really.

30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

• My love for God.
• Being living proof of Him and His love for us.
• My love for Derek.
• My love for other people.
• My abilities as a doctor.
• My willingness to help.
• My work ethic.
• My love for life.
• My truthfulness.
• My joy for life and everything in it.

Marriage.

I stumbled upon something today and it inspired me to write. It is a sermon given at a wedding; and it describes the purpose of marriage so perfectly.

"In your vows, you’re not saying one thing: better; richer; health. You’re saying two things: better or worse; richer or poorer; health or sickness.
 May God give you the strength and the love to keep these promises at those times when you don’t want to, and it seems like it would be easier to break them. Make no mistake marriage is not always easy. However, marriage has many joys! 
    Marriage is:
        Companionship in all of life’s paths
        Shared goals for happiness, family
        Unconditional support in good times and bad
        Knowing that two can do more than one
        Having someone to encourage you in the valleys of life
        Writing a story for your friends to read
As we close, I want to briefly look at why God designed marriage like He did:

   It is because he is so interested in YOU knowing how much He loves you that He was not content about being a big ‘ol invisible, intangible God out there in the universe that you only experience when you see a cool cloud arrangement in the sky with the sun shining through it…
        The best way to describe it is this… Michael, He wants Carmen to know His physical, tangible, in-her-presence love so much that he is putting you in her life as an instrument, a channel, to reflect it…to lay your life down for her whether you think she deserves it or not because that is what Christ did for her…that’s how much He loves Carmen. Carmen, He wants Michael to know His physical, tangible, in-his-presence love so much that he is putting you in his life as an instrument, a channel, to reflect it…because that is what Christ did for him…that’s how much He loves Michael.
    That is a huge responsibility. But wouldn't you want to be the recipient off that love?! That is the ideal and the target for marriage. This concept changes everything because it’s not about you…it’s about the love that God has for you both.
    As followers of Christ you need conduct your marriage in the shadow of a cross, with the knowledge that He died for us. And if you truly want to say thank you to Him, then He wants you to go home and channel all that gratitude in the eye and heart of each other."

 I love the way that God's design for marriage is described in this. Derek and I have talked about this many times. We've been married a little over a year, and though that is a very short time in the grand scheme of life, I feel like we have learned so much about marriage and God in the past year. I firmly believe that the sole purpose of our relationships on Earth are to be mirrors of our relationship with Him. When I sit back and let the love that I have for Derek wash over me, it is overwhelmingly strong, powerful, beautiful-it's beyond anything I could have ever dreamed for myself. And I am reminded that as strongly and purely as I love Derek, our Yahweh loves us more. Our marriage gives us a window into His heart. We couldn't possibly fathom all of His love, but through our marriage, we are able to glimpse the perfectness of Him. As said above, we are channels to reflect His love for us. I think that's how you make a marriage work-remember those things. When rough patches sneak up, when there doesn't seem to be an up side, remember that God is there, working front and center in your marriage. He is tangible because He IS the love that you share.

Inspiration

Sometimes I think we try to take on the entire weight of the world; We put it on our shoulders and walk around weighted down because we feel like that's what we should be doing. We forget that our time here is fleeting. We forget that all of these things we work for can't go with us when it's our time to say "goodbye". We forget to enjoy the little things. We forget that our God is great and though our human shoulders and hearts cannot handle that much weight for an extended period of time, His strength and His heart are boundless, and He can. I'm good at that-the forgetting thing. I am great at worrying. Probably borderline obsessive compulsive, actually. I get caught up in worrying if the bills are getting paid, and how much is going to gas, and how much is being spent elsewhere. I get caught up in worrying about money, and work, and how clean the house is. I forget that laughter is beautiful. I forget that it is amazing to just walk outside on a sunny day and look around at the beauty our Father has blessed us with. I forget that just laying around the house with my husband is fun and fulfilling. I always have to be moving, doing something, being productive. But I need to open my eyes and look around. There is so much to be inspired by, so much to smile and laugh about. There is so much to praise God about. Everything always works out. It will fall into place, even if I don't check the bank account four times a day. The bills will get paid on time, even if I don't check them at least once a day to make sure they aren't due. I'm great at being responsible. I'm great at walking around like nothing's wrong, all the while balancing a mountain of stress on my shoulders. Now, I just have to get great at enjoying the health, and love, and friends that God has given me.

Forgiveness;

“Anger is the right response to something that is so wrong. But don't let the anger and pain and loss you feel prevent you from forgiving him and removing your hands from around his neck.”  

“Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver...to release you from something that will eat you alive; that will destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly. Do you think this man cares about the pain and torment you have gone through? If anything, he feeds on that knowledge. Don't you want to cut that off? And in doing so, you'll release him from a burden that he carries whether he knows it or not--acknowledges it or not.”  


“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat. Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established. Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation. Forgiveness does not excuse anything. You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness.”-The Shack


I want to let go of your throat. I want to let go of hers. I don't want to keep this bitterness inside of me any longer. I deserve to be free of it. God wants me to be free of it. Close to a month ago, as I was driving to church, I was explaining some of the situation to my battle in the passenger seat next to me. We spoke about my wanting to one day be in a place to forgive you, but that I just wasn't there yet. Though the situation was not new to me, the hurt was still fresh, and I wanted to be angry and grieve just a little bit longer. And then God let me know just how strongly he stood against those feelings of mine. I sat in church, prepared to listen, wanting to be open to the message that would be given-and though he had a completely different subject typed up and ready to be spoken on, our speaker felt compelled to discuss fathers and forgiveness. He spoke about feelings of betrayal, being pushed away, being bitter and resentful towards his father-and continued to talk about forgiveness. How that hatred buries us, how it distorts our view, how it pulls us away from our one true Father's love. And for only the second time in my life, I knew that He, my Yahweh, was talking directly to me. I cried. I prayed for you. I prayed for her. I prayed for His help in finding forgiveness in what seemed to be an ocean of hurt. And it has taken me a while to find words and heart to say this to you, but I forgive you. I will probably have to say it a hundred times today, probably two hundred tomorrow. I will probably have to say it for a long time before it becomes one hundred percent true, but I know that I am on the right path. The hurt, it's still there. It might always be there. The resentment, I fight it every day, and eventually, God will wash it out of my soul. I still feel like you have wronged me so many times, in so many ways, but I refuse to let my anger control me. I put the quote in because I need you to understand what forgiveness is, in my heart. My forgiveness is not an invitation back into my life. Right now, I don't think that's possible. It may not be possible, ever. Forgiveness does not require a relationship-and I don't want one. I don't want one with her, I don't want one with you. The circles we have run for the past seven years have grown tiring, and they only aid in the resentment that I've harbored. I don't deserve to be cussed and and told that I've ruined someone's life. I don't deserve her cussing and calling me things. I choose not to allow that in my life and IF the day ever comes, into my children's life. I admit that I attacked her the day I sent the initial message. I should not have cussed or called her any names. But I still believe ignoring something is the same as condoning it, and that I won't do. So I will not put myself into a situation that can explode like that again. If and when you are willing to listen to me, without first thinking of a rebuttal to anything I have to say, I am willing to listen to you. Not before, not with your foot halfway in and halfway out.

Sin is sin.

I just saw this yesterday, and I felt the need to write on it. "How come Christians who fight to ban gay marriage legally, don't fight just as hard for anti-divorce laws?" My opinion, which is subject to fallibility because I AM human, is this. I don't think this statement was meant AGAINST gays at all. The person that wrote this was addressing other "Christians." He was stating that these people who fight to protect the sanctity of marriage aren't protecting it at all. Even within heterosexuality, there are MANY people not protecting our covenant with God. Divorce is a bigger problem is this world than homosexuality, but some of these "Christians" do not want to address that issue. THAT is what his statement was pointing out. 

Sin is sin. No one sin is greater than the other. That is CLEARLY stated in the bible. It isn't an opinion. It is God saying that in His eyes, and His are the only ones that matter in the end, a lie is the same as murder. Lust is the same as adultery. Homosexuality is a sin. The word used to describe it in the bible is "detestable". The act of homosexuality, in God's eyes, is detestable. That being said, though not CLEARLY stated in exact words, the Bible also says that divorce is a sin. "Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate." That's black and white. God joins us in marriage. It is not our prerogative to tear apart what He Himself has decreed to be "one". It may not clearly say "hey, humans, just for your information, divorce is sinful.", but it is extremely clear where our Father stands on the issue. The Bible isn't an opinion. It doesn't say "It's up to you to interpret what is wrong and what isn't." Those things are in black and white. The law, as seen in God's eyes, is laid down right there. It isn't up for debate. We don't pick and choose what parts we want to follow and what parts we don't. They are all the same to Him. They are all detestable. That being said, we are ALL sinners. Not one of us on this planet has clean hands. We have all told a lie. We have all lusted after someone. We have all reveled in sin at one point or another. There is no justification in it, but it is the sad truth. There is no way to become clean but through Him. That is what separates the saved from the not. His blood continually cleanses us. Notice the word. Cleanses. To be clean is very different from being sterile. Sterility is something that has not yet been contaminated. Jesus, in a sense, could be considered sterile. The definition of "cleanse" is "to become clean". Something that is cleansed has already been contaminated. The dirt and the filth have been wiped away, maybe sanitized. It looks a whole lot better, even smells better. But something that was once contaminated and has been cleaned is not considered sterile. He cleanses us. He doesn't make us sterile. We are still contaminated with the urge to sin. We are still contaminated with human wants, desires, and actions. We are all subject to mistakes. That is why his blood continually cleanses-because we continually sin. Even the saved. His love is our saving grace. His mercy is what cleanses us. That isn't to say that since we are all sinners, that our mistakes are excusable and thanks to his grace, we can continue to masquerade as Christians while willfully and purposefully sinning. His love saves us. And just like in a relationship, when we come into contact with a love THAT strong, and we make it our priority to show how thankful we are for said love, our actions begin to change. Loving Him, and knowing His love for us will change a person. For a long time-close to eight years-I did not step foot into a church because of the hypocrisy of some establishments and some people. Because of human mistakes, I saw God as something other than who He is. Through the love that I share with my husband, I have been able to better see who God REALLY is-Don't you see that THIS is the point of our human relationships? To better see Him. He knew that our limited understandings could not grasp his exponential love for us. So he allows us a glimpse of it in our relationships with others. I would do anything for the people I love-some people phrase it as "I would take a bullet for them." Unfortunately, some things are just not within my ability. So when I think about that, I think about how much my ability to love is multiplied when it comes to His ability to love, and I realize that nothing is outside of his reach-He DID do whatever it took to convince us of His love-even sacrificing His own life. Through Him, and only Him, are we made new. And with that, comes a responsibility to love other people the same way He has shown us love. We say that some people don't deserve love-neither do we. But He gave it anyways. So should we. There is a big difference in judging another with condemnation in our eyes, and judging another with love-and THAT is where I feel like a lot of Christians have trouble. It is hard to walk that line. God DOES judge. He doesn't do it for condemnation purposes. He does it out of love. We should do the same. There is no one but Him holier than anyone. So remember when you point, that it opens you up to be pointed at as well. And that's okay. I do not get upset with my friends and family for pointing out that there is a smudge on my face, or that something is stuck in my teeth-and why should I? They are being helpful and pointing out what is so obviously out of place. So why, then are we so quick to point out a flaw in someone else's character, but refuse to see the flaws in our own. THAT is the difference between judging with condemnation and judging with love. He judges with love. So should we. Hate the sin, love the sinner. It is okay to tell someone, "Hey, friend. I love you, but I feel like what you are doing is wrong. I'm not going to try to curb your rights as a person. I'm not going to force you to submit to Him. I'm letting you know where He stands, therefore where I stand, and only you can make your decision. I'm going to love you anyways. I'm here." That's what He does. He doesn't force us to submit to Him. He tells us where He stands. He demonstrates His love. And He allows us to take part in that relationship if we so choose. The problem today is that so many people see God as a ruler in a heiarchy-and that blinds them. Pride hears the word "submit" and it immediately starts shaking it's head and repetitively saying "no". Yes, He is our king. But he is also our Father, our Abba, our Yahweh. We treat our parents with respect, love, and reverence. He is THE parent. The Father. We are his children. The difference is that when a parent says "no" or "not now", they are doing what they FEEL is right for us. God is doing what He KNOWS is right. People praise their parents every day. Why can't we praise Him? Children submit to parents-why can't we submit to the ultimate Father? I got off my main point for writing this-but I think it all ties in. When we learn to love like Him, we learn to see people the way He does. We learn how to step back and let God be God. We learn the difference between condemning and loving. We learn.

16 April 2012

I wish that I knew what to say to make you understand my side of this. Nothing I tell you makes a difference. Nothing I do will even have an effect on your opinion of the situation. And what kills me, is this is NEVER going to change. And she will continue to stand in the background while our family is torn apart over her. She will stand back there and be satisfied because she finally feels like she's won. She can jump on the phone and start off by saying "Listen here you little whore," but my telling her how I feel about her as a person is uncalled for. My stating FACTS is uncalled for. All I've done is ruin your life. Have you ONCE thought about the fact that I completely skipped being a teenager, how you messed up my life? Ever? Probably not. You say I had other choices, but you are wrong. You REFUSED to believe that she was doing what I accused her of. You, my FATHER, refused to protect me at fourteen years old. I was a CHILD. What else could I do? I left to protect myself because you didn't want to face facts and do your job as a parent. So no, I had no other choices. And you never even made an effort to stop me. You allowed me to leave because you knew that it would make your marriage easier if we weren't fighting anymore. You let a child walk out of your house and onto her own so your life would be easier. I hate you for that. I hate you for the way I had to learn to take care of myself. I hate the way I became responsible and safe and adult. No child should ever have to feel that way. I love you because you are my dad, because I know what kind of man and father you USED to be. But as I told you last night, that man has been gone for a long time. Who I am today has everything to do with knowing exactly who I don't want to be. My children will never have to second guess their priority in my life. Never. There is never a reason that someone should tell her husband that he shouldn't talk to his children. And you LISTENED. You JUSTIFIED that request. And you blamed me for her choices. You said that I ruined your life. You said that I ruined your marriage. No. You should rethink your words. You should rethink the choices you have made. I am done. I went nineteen years without a mother. I've made it through the last six without you. I can certainly go another twenty years just the same. I despise everything about who she is;especially because of who she has turned you into. Continue to blame me. I mess everything up. I ruined your life. Fine. I can take that. You should have left me with my mother, then. That's okay. You will have no reason to blame me for anything. You have no reason to contact me. I hope that my children never ask about you. I hope that she is enough. I hope that everything works out without me being there to mess it up. But please do me the favor of staying out of my life. I'd rather have no parents.

03 April 2012

In my opinion, if you are going to come to me for advice that you do not intend on even considering, then there is no reason for you to ask it. I understand you're hurting. I am always willing to help you in any way I can because I am your friend and I love you. BUT, when you put yourself into these situations, and then allow someone to treat you as if you are disposable, and you repeatedly, purposefully return to this person, then there is no reason for me to waste my breath trying to help. Someone can only do to you what YOU ALLOW. No more and no less. If you do not like the way you are being treated, looked at, referred to, etc., then you CHANGE IT. You have to take the first steps to make your life better. Nobody can do that for you. And if you repeatedly make the conscious decision to walk back into that situation, then do not be surprised and hurt when you repeatedly get the same results. You can't change HIM. You can only change yourself and your decisions. You choose to allow him to use and dispose of you as he pleases. Strength is a CHOICE. You can choose to be strong and give your son a positive role model to learn from. You can choose to make sure that you are treated with respect and dignity. You can choose to be with somebody that loves you the way a person deserves to be loved. You can choose a healthy relationship. Instead, you CHOOSE weakness. You CHOOSE to show your son that you prefer a "man" that can not be faithful, a "man" without a shred of integrity, a BOY in every sense of the word. And it is that kind of "man" that your are bringing into your son's world, demonstrating to him that it is okay to treat a female as if she is a toy, because she will always come back; Because she refuses to choose strength and dignity instead. These are all choices. They are not coincidences that randomly befall you. They are not circumstances beyond your control. Every bit of the pain you feel right now is self-inflicted. I do not empathize with that. I sympathize. I feel pity for that. But I do not condone irrational decisions based on your belief that being used and essentially thrown aside causes you less pain and does less damage than to walk away and CHOOSE yourself. Love SHOULD NOT make you unhappy. Love should not make you feel like you are trapped because you CAN'T live without that person. That is the wrong idea of love and it is not healthy. Love, in the right circumstances, is meant to LIFT YOU UP. Love is meant to show you the GRACE that god has taken on our souls and our lives on Earth. Love is supposed to give you a small glimpse of the love our Father has for us. Love is meant to make you want to better yourself. Instead you use it as a reason to stay in a crappy situation that makes you unhappy. You use it as a reason to choose weakness. You use it as a justification to allow yourself to be used. Love is not a justification. It shouldn't have to be. Remember that when you get that text: "We can't talk. My girlfriend is coming into town."

Into Marvelous Light I'm Running;

It's so hard to believe how fast time has flown by, how much has changed, and how much probably never will change. I've been at my first duty station for almost a month. Derek and I are one month away from our one year anniversary. One year of marriage. It's amazing because I still learn so much about him every single day. We have started doing daily devotionals at dinner and praying. I really enjoy our dinners. It is my favorite part of the day. I feel like we pause and take in each other and take in God. We found a church that we are going to try. I am pretty excited about it. I went to church all through basic and I loved it. I am astounded at how I crave God. I am astounded at how, even slightly, knowing God has started to change me. I hope who He is and how He loves shines through me. I absolutely love being married to Derek. I can't believe how blessed I am in him. He is literally my best friend as well as my husband. I was so afraid the time and distance would change us;I worried that it would pull us apart. Instead, it pushed us closer together, forced us to examine our love and our relationship, and made us stronger. I fall in love with him all over again every day.
I do miss Ian and Ryan incredibly. It's pretty tough to be away from them. I wonder who Ian will turn out to be;will he be compassionate and kind? Will he be strong, like his Dad? Will he be charismatic? Will he stand up for his beliefs and hold onto and cherish his integrity? These are all the things I hope for him. I've never been more in love with a child. I want him to be strong, and compassionate, and willing, and a friend of God. I want him to know love-God's love, the power of his own love. I can't wait to see who he will become.
I know that I am blessed. I have food in my kitchen, I have a bed to sleep on and a wonderful husband to wake up to, I have God. I have friends and family. I have more than I deserve. So I find myself singing praises to Him, knowing that it's through His love and grace that these things have found me.