March 10, 2010

If I could sit down and write a list of all the things that I dislike about the person I am right now, the list would probably never end. Matt thinks that he is the cause for my unhappiness&&he's not. I'm not one bit happy with me. I look in the mirror every day and I wonder how I turned into this person. Was it over night or was it more of a gradual thing. I could blame Matt and Kelsey and my mother. I could blame all of the people who've ever hurt me. I could say that I've just learned not to let myself get hurt anymore, but it's more than that. It's not their fault because I somehow have made the decision to become this person. Some nights I lie awake and wonder if this was inadvertently my goal. To be this shell of a person. Is there still a trace of the old me in there? I'm so sick of so many things;I'm sick of things about me, about this place, this life. That sounds rather emo&&I'm not wanting to kill myself or anything. I'm just sick of this routine. Get up, get dressed, put a smile on, school, work, and back home. I'm sick of Tennessee&&most of the people in it. I wonder if it's this place that brings out the worst in me or if I bring it out in myself. There's a whole lot of the "worst" in me coming out lately. &&What sucks about that is that I wonder if that's really the worst in me, or if that's just me. I want...I want to be effortlessly happy, for once. I want...to go one day without being so easily irked. I know that would give Matt a break. &&Maybe if I could do that, him&I could get back to that place. That place where it was so easy to just be together. Nothing else really mattered&&that was okay. We've both seemed to have lost ourselves, our togetherness, in the number of months, days, and hours that has been the past two years. I don't think we love each other any less. I think we've actually come to love each other more, somehow. Maybe it's because we've seen our faults mirrored in each other. But I do think that we've come to forget that it sometimes takes a little work to keep the "in love" stage. I think we've both grown comfortable&&that can be a relationship breaker. I want to get back to that place. I want to get back to the person he first met. I want so many different things&&I have absolutely no idea where to start. &&Sadly, I want to be selfless enough that all of this stupid shit doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter, but it does. I really wish I could be one of those people that don't complain. I used to be. I used to just let shit happen&&I dealt with it with no problem. I don't know when that changed, how, or why. I want to be one of those people that just does what they have to do&&no less. I want to be looked up to for who I am. I want the determination&&the motivation that I used to have. I want to wake up every day and strive to be the very best version of me that is possible. But lack of motivation is always there. Something always goes wrong. It's like I see myself retreating into that shell of a person but I can't stop it. I sit back and I hear myself talk to people. I hear the bitchy things that come out of my mouth but I don't even attempt to filter or think of a better way to say them. I know I'm pretty mean to Matt. He tries so hard to be nice sometimes. &&I just can't let him. I have no idea why. I don't let anyone close anymore. I always find a way to push in the opposite direction. Most days, I don't even know that my smile is real. I used to be so effortlessly happy. &&In control of me. Some where along this path, I've lost that essence of myself. Where does one start when trying to repair herself?