Marriage.

I stumbled upon something today and it inspired me to write. It is a sermon given at a wedding; and it describes the purpose of marriage so perfectly.

"In your vows, you’re not saying one thing: better; richer; health. You’re saying two things: better or worse; richer or poorer; health or sickness.
 May God give you the strength and the love to keep these promises at those times when you don’t want to, and it seems like it would be easier to break them. Make no mistake marriage is not always easy. However, marriage has many joys! 
    Marriage is:
        Companionship in all of life’s paths
        Shared goals for happiness, family
        Unconditional support in good times and bad
        Knowing that two can do more than one
        Having someone to encourage you in the valleys of life
        Writing a story for your friends to read
As we close, I want to briefly look at why God designed marriage like He did:

   It is because he is so interested in YOU knowing how much He loves you that He was not content about being a big ‘ol invisible, intangible God out there in the universe that you only experience when you see a cool cloud arrangement in the sky with the sun shining through it…
        The best way to describe it is this… Michael, He wants Carmen to know His physical, tangible, in-her-presence love so much that he is putting you in her life as an instrument, a channel, to reflect it…to lay your life down for her whether you think she deserves it or not because that is what Christ did for her…that’s how much He loves Carmen. Carmen, He wants Michael to know His physical, tangible, in-his-presence love so much that he is putting you in his life as an instrument, a channel, to reflect it…because that is what Christ did for him…that’s how much He loves Michael.
    That is a huge responsibility. But wouldn't you want to be the recipient off that love?! That is the ideal and the target for marriage. This concept changes everything because it’s not about you…it’s about the love that God has for you both.
    As followers of Christ you need conduct your marriage in the shadow of a cross, with the knowledge that He died for us. And if you truly want to say thank you to Him, then He wants you to go home and channel all that gratitude in the eye and heart of each other."

 I love the way that God's design for marriage is described in this. Derek and I have talked about this many times. We've been married a little over a year, and though that is a very short time in the grand scheme of life, I feel like we have learned so much about marriage and God in the past year. I firmly believe that the sole purpose of our relationships on Earth are to be mirrors of our relationship with Him. When I sit back and let the love that I have for Derek wash over me, it is overwhelmingly strong, powerful, beautiful-it's beyond anything I could have ever dreamed for myself. And I am reminded that as strongly and purely as I love Derek, our Yahweh loves us more. Our marriage gives us a window into His heart. We couldn't possibly fathom all of His love, but through our marriage, we are able to glimpse the perfectness of Him. As said above, we are channels to reflect His love for us. I think that's how you make a marriage work-remember those things. When rough patches sneak up, when there doesn't seem to be an up side, remember that God is there, working front and center in your marriage. He is tangible because He IS the love that you share.

Inspiration

Sometimes I think we try to take on the entire weight of the world; We put it on our shoulders and walk around weighted down because we feel like that's what we should be doing. We forget that our time here is fleeting. We forget that all of these things we work for can't go with us when it's our time to say "goodbye". We forget to enjoy the little things. We forget that our God is great and though our human shoulders and hearts cannot handle that much weight for an extended period of time, His strength and His heart are boundless, and He can. I'm good at that-the forgetting thing. I am great at worrying. Probably borderline obsessive compulsive, actually. I get caught up in worrying if the bills are getting paid, and how much is going to gas, and how much is being spent elsewhere. I get caught up in worrying about money, and work, and how clean the house is. I forget that laughter is beautiful. I forget that it is amazing to just walk outside on a sunny day and look around at the beauty our Father has blessed us with. I forget that just laying around the house with my husband is fun and fulfilling. I always have to be moving, doing something, being productive. But I need to open my eyes and look around. There is so much to be inspired by, so much to smile and laugh about. There is so much to praise God about. Everything always works out. It will fall into place, even if I don't check the bank account four times a day. The bills will get paid on time, even if I don't check them at least once a day to make sure they aren't due. I'm great at being responsible. I'm great at walking around like nothing's wrong, all the while balancing a mountain of stress on my shoulders. Now, I just have to get great at enjoying the health, and love, and friends that God has given me.

Forgiveness;

“Anger is the right response to something that is so wrong. But don't let the anger and pain and loss you feel prevent you from forgiving him and removing your hands from around his neck.”  

“Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver...to release you from something that will eat you alive; that will destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly. Do you think this man cares about the pain and torment you have gone through? If anything, he feeds on that knowledge. Don't you want to cut that off? And in doing so, you'll release him from a burden that he carries whether he knows it or not--acknowledges it or not.”  


“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat. Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established. Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation. Forgiveness does not excuse anything. You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness.”-The Shack


I want to let go of your throat. I want to let go of hers. I don't want to keep this bitterness inside of me any longer. I deserve to be free of it. God wants me to be free of it. Close to a month ago, as I was driving to church, I was explaining some of the situation to my battle in the passenger seat next to me. We spoke about my wanting to one day be in a place to forgive you, but that I just wasn't there yet. Though the situation was not new to me, the hurt was still fresh, and I wanted to be angry and grieve just a little bit longer. And then God let me know just how strongly he stood against those feelings of mine. I sat in church, prepared to listen, wanting to be open to the message that would be given-and though he had a completely different subject typed up and ready to be spoken on, our speaker felt compelled to discuss fathers and forgiveness. He spoke about feelings of betrayal, being pushed away, being bitter and resentful towards his father-and continued to talk about forgiveness. How that hatred buries us, how it distorts our view, how it pulls us away from our one true Father's love. And for only the second time in my life, I knew that He, my Yahweh, was talking directly to me. I cried. I prayed for you. I prayed for her. I prayed for His help in finding forgiveness in what seemed to be an ocean of hurt. And it has taken me a while to find words and heart to say this to you, but I forgive you. I will probably have to say it a hundred times today, probably two hundred tomorrow. I will probably have to say it for a long time before it becomes one hundred percent true, but I know that I am on the right path. The hurt, it's still there. It might always be there. The resentment, I fight it every day, and eventually, God will wash it out of my soul. I still feel like you have wronged me so many times, in so many ways, but I refuse to let my anger control me. I put the quote in because I need you to understand what forgiveness is, in my heart. My forgiveness is not an invitation back into my life. Right now, I don't think that's possible. It may not be possible, ever. Forgiveness does not require a relationship-and I don't want one. I don't want one with her, I don't want one with you. The circles we have run for the past seven years have grown tiring, and they only aid in the resentment that I've harbored. I don't deserve to be cussed and and told that I've ruined someone's life. I don't deserve her cussing and calling me things. I choose not to allow that in my life and IF the day ever comes, into my children's life. I admit that I attacked her the day I sent the initial message. I should not have cussed or called her any names. But I still believe ignoring something is the same as condoning it, and that I won't do. So I will not put myself into a situation that can explode like that again. If and when you are willing to listen to me, without first thinking of a rebuttal to anything I have to say, I am willing to listen to you. Not before, not with your foot halfway in and halfway out.

Sin is sin.

I just saw this yesterday, and I felt the need to write on it. "How come Christians who fight to ban gay marriage legally, don't fight just as hard for anti-divorce laws?" My opinion, which is subject to fallibility because I AM human, is this. I don't think this statement was meant AGAINST gays at all. The person that wrote this was addressing other "Christians." He was stating that these people who fight to protect the sanctity of marriage aren't protecting it at all. Even within heterosexuality, there are MANY people not protecting our covenant with God. Divorce is a bigger problem is this world than homosexuality, but some of these "Christians" do not want to address that issue. THAT is what his statement was pointing out. 

Sin is sin. No one sin is greater than the other. That is CLEARLY stated in the bible. It isn't an opinion. It is God saying that in His eyes, and His are the only ones that matter in the end, a lie is the same as murder. Lust is the same as adultery. Homosexuality is a sin. The word used to describe it in the bible is "detestable". The act of homosexuality, in God's eyes, is detestable. That being said, though not CLEARLY stated in exact words, the Bible also says that divorce is a sin. "Therefore, what God has joined together, let no man separate." That's black and white. God joins us in marriage. It is not our prerogative to tear apart what He Himself has decreed to be "one". It may not clearly say "hey, humans, just for your information, divorce is sinful.", but it is extremely clear where our Father stands on the issue. The Bible isn't an opinion. It doesn't say "It's up to you to interpret what is wrong and what isn't." Those things are in black and white. The law, as seen in God's eyes, is laid down right there. It isn't up for debate. We don't pick and choose what parts we want to follow and what parts we don't. They are all the same to Him. They are all detestable. That being said, we are ALL sinners. Not one of us on this planet has clean hands. We have all told a lie. We have all lusted after someone. We have all reveled in sin at one point or another. There is no justification in it, but it is the sad truth. There is no way to become clean but through Him. That is what separates the saved from the not. His blood continually cleanses us. Notice the word. Cleanses. To be clean is very different from being sterile. Sterility is something that has not yet been contaminated. Jesus, in a sense, could be considered sterile. The definition of "cleanse" is "to become clean". Something that is cleansed has already been contaminated. The dirt and the filth have been wiped away, maybe sanitized. It looks a whole lot better, even smells better. But something that was once contaminated and has been cleaned is not considered sterile. He cleanses us. He doesn't make us sterile. We are still contaminated with the urge to sin. We are still contaminated with human wants, desires, and actions. We are all subject to mistakes. That is why his blood continually cleanses-because we continually sin. Even the saved. His love is our saving grace. His mercy is what cleanses us. That isn't to say that since we are all sinners, that our mistakes are excusable and thanks to his grace, we can continue to masquerade as Christians while willfully and purposefully sinning. His love saves us. And just like in a relationship, when we come into contact with a love THAT strong, and we make it our priority to show how thankful we are for said love, our actions begin to change. Loving Him, and knowing His love for us will change a person. For a long time-close to eight years-I did not step foot into a church because of the hypocrisy of some establishments and some people. Because of human mistakes, I saw God as something other than who He is. Through the love that I share with my husband, I have been able to better see who God REALLY is-Don't you see that THIS is the point of our human relationships? To better see Him. He knew that our limited understandings could not grasp his exponential love for us. So he allows us a glimpse of it in our relationships with others. I would do anything for the people I love-some people phrase it as "I would take a bullet for them." Unfortunately, some things are just not within my ability. So when I think about that, I think about how much my ability to love is multiplied when it comes to His ability to love, and I realize that nothing is outside of his reach-He DID do whatever it took to convince us of His love-even sacrificing His own life. Through Him, and only Him, are we made new. And with that, comes a responsibility to love other people the same way He has shown us love. We say that some people don't deserve love-neither do we. But He gave it anyways. So should we. There is a big difference in judging another with condemnation in our eyes, and judging another with love-and THAT is where I feel like a lot of Christians have trouble. It is hard to walk that line. God DOES judge. He doesn't do it for condemnation purposes. He does it out of love. We should do the same. There is no one but Him holier than anyone. So remember when you point, that it opens you up to be pointed at as well. And that's okay. I do not get upset with my friends and family for pointing out that there is a smudge on my face, or that something is stuck in my teeth-and why should I? They are being helpful and pointing out what is so obviously out of place. So why, then are we so quick to point out a flaw in someone else's character, but refuse to see the flaws in our own. THAT is the difference between judging with condemnation and judging with love. He judges with love. So should we. Hate the sin, love the sinner. It is okay to tell someone, "Hey, friend. I love you, but I feel like what you are doing is wrong. I'm not going to try to curb your rights as a person. I'm not going to force you to submit to Him. I'm letting you know where He stands, therefore where I stand, and only you can make your decision. I'm going to love you anyways. I'm here." That's what He does. He doesn't force us to submit to Him. He tells us where He stands. He demonstrates His love. And He allows us to take part in that relationship if we so choose. The problem today is that so many people see God as a ruler in a heiarchy-and that blinds them. Pride hears the word "submit" and it immediately starts shaking it's head and repetitively saying "no". Yes, He is our king. But he is also our Father, our Abba, our Yahweh. We treat our parents with respect, love, and reverence. He is THE parent. The Father. We are his children. The difference is that when a parent says "no" or "not now", they are doing what they FEEL is right for us. God is doing what He KNOWS is right. People praise their parents every day. Why can't we praise Him? Children submit to parents-why can't we submit to the ultimate Father? I got off my main point for writing this-but I think it all ties in. When we learn to love like Him, we learn to see people the way He does. We learn how to step back and let God be God. We learn the difference between condemning and loving. We learn.

16 April 2012

I wish that I knew what to say to make you understand my side of this. Nothing I tell you makes a difference. Nothing I do will even have an effect on your opinion of the situation. And what kills me, is this is NEVER going to change. And she will continue to stand in the background while our family is torn apart over her. She will stand back there and be satisfied because she finally feels like she's won. She can jump on the phone and start off by saying "Listen here you little whore," but my telling her how I feel about her as a person is uncalled for. My stating FACTS is uncalled for. All I've done is ruin your life. Have you ONCE thought about the fact that I completely skipped being a teenager, how you messed up my life? Ever? Probably not. You say I had other choices, but you are wrong. You REFUSED to believe that she was doing what I accused her of. You, my FATHER, refused to protect me at fourteen years old. I was a CHILD. What else could I do? I left to protect myself because you didn't want to face facts and do your job as a parent. So no, I had no other choices. And you never even made an effort to stop me. You allowed me to leave because you knew that it would make your marriage easier if we weren't fighting anymore. You let a child walk out of your house and onto her own so your life would be easier. I hate you for that. I hate you for the way I had to learn to take care of myself. I hate the way I became responsible and safe and adult. No child should ever have to feel that way. I love you because you are my dad, because I know what kind of man and father you USED to be. But as I told you last night, that man has been gone for a long time. Who I am today has everything to do with knowing exactly who I don't want to be. My children will never have to second guess their priority in my life. Never. There is never a reason that someone should tell her husband that he shouldn't talk to his children. And you LISTENED. You JUSTIFIED that request. And you blamed me for her choices. You said that I ruined your life. You said that I ruined your marriage. No. You should rethink your words. You should rethink the choices you have made. I am done. I went nineteen years without a mother. I've made it through the last six without you. I can certainly go another twenty years just the same. I despise everything about who she is;especially because of who she has turned you into. Continue to blame me. I mess everything up. I ruined your life. Fine. I can take that. You should have left me with my mother, then. That's okay. You will have no reason to blame me for anything. You have no reason to contact me. I hope that my children never ask about you. I hope that she is enough. I hope that everything works out without me being there to mess it up. But please do me the favor of staying out of my life. I'd rather have no parents.

03 April 2012

In my opinion, if you are going to come to me for advice that you do not intend on even considering, then there is no reason for you to ask it. I understand you're hurting. I am always willing to help you in any way I can because I am your friend and I love you. BUT, when you put yourself into these situations, and then allow someone to treat you as if you are disposable, and you repeatedly, purposefully return to this person, then there is no reason for me to waste my breath trying to help. Someone can only do to you what YOU ALLOW. No more and no less. If you do not like the way you are being treated, looked at, referred to, etc., then you CHANGE IT. You have to take the first steps to make your life better. Nobody can do that for you. And if you repeatedly make the conscious decision to walk back into that situation, then do not be surprised and hurt when you repeatedly get the same results. You can't change HIM. You can only change yourself and your decisions. You choose to allow him to use and dispose of you as he pleases. Strength is a CHOICE. You can choose to be strong and give your son a positive role model to learn from. You can choose to make sure that you are treated with respect and dignity. You can choose to be with somebody that loves you the way a person deserves to be loved. You can choose a healthy relationship. Instead, you CHOOSE weakness. You CHOOSE to show your son that you prefer a "man" that can not be faithful, a "man" without a shred of integrity, a BOY in every sense of the word. And it is that kind of "man" that your are bringing into your son's world, demonstrating to him that it is okay to treat a female as if she is a toy, because she will always come back; Because she refuses to choose strength and dignity instead. These are all choices. They are not coincidences that randomly befall you. They are not circumstances beyond your control. Every bit of the pain you feel right now is self-inflicted. I do not empathize with that. I sympathize. I feel pity for that. But I do not condone irrational decisions based on your belief that being used and essentially thrown aside causes you less pain and does less damage than to walk away and CHOOSE yourself. Love SHOULD NOT make you unhappy. Love should not make you feel like you are trapped because you CAN'T live without that person. That is the wrong idea of love and it is not healthy. Love, in the right circumstances, is meant to LIFT YOU UP. Love is meant to show you the GRACE that god has taken on our souls and our lives on Earth. Love is supposed to give you a small glimpse of the love our Father has for us. Love is meant to make you want to better yourself. Instead you use it as a reason to stay in a crappy situation that makes you unhappy. You use it as a reason to choose weakness. You use it as a justification to allow yourself to be used. Love is not a justification. It shouldn't have to be. Remember that when you get that text: "We can't talk. My girlfriend is coming into town."

Into Marvelous Light I'm Running;

It's so hard to believe how fast time has flown by, how much has changed, and how much probably never will change. I've been at my first duty station for almost a month. Derek and I are one month away from our one year anniversary. One year of marriage. It's amazing because I still learn so much about him every single day. We have started doing daily devotionals at dinner and praying. I really enjoy our dinners. It is my favorite part of the day. I feel like we pause and take in each other and take in God. We found a church that we are going to try. I am pretty excited about it. I went to church all through basic and I loved it. I am astounded at how I crave God. I am astounded at how, even slightly, knowing God has started to change me. I hope who He is and how He loves shines through me. I absolutely love being married to Derek. I can't believe how blessed I am in him. He is literally my best friend as well as my husband. I was so afraid the time and distance would change us;I worried that it would pull us apart. Instead, it pushed us closer together, forced us to examine our love and our relationship, and made us stronger. I fall in love with him all over again every day.
I do miss Ian and Ryan incredibly. It's pretty tough to be away from them. I wonder who Ian will turn out to be;will he be compassionate and kind? Will he be strong, like his Dad? Will he be charismatic? Will he stand up for his beliefs and hold onto and cherish his integrity? These are all the things I hope for him. I've never been more in love with a child. I want him to be strong, and compassionate, and willing, and a friend of God. I want him to know love-God's love, the power of his own love. I can't wait to see who he will become.
I know that I am blessed. I have food in my kitchen, I have a bed to sleep on and a wonderful husband to wake up to, I have God. I have friends and family. I have more than I deserve. So I find myself singing praises to Him, knowing that it's through His love and grace that these things have found me.

This is what you've been waiting for;

Lately, I find myself wanting to scream-Some days out of frustration, and others out of excitement. I'm almost done with training! I have three weeks left. Three weeks until I am MOS Q'd. Three weeks until I am back in Derek's arms. Three weeks until real life starts back up. I feel like life has been on pause for the last seven months.

It's been awhile.

It's been six months since I sat on this couch. I feel like a completely different person. I love my home. I missed it incredibly. But I also feel like this place holds nothing for me except for the past.

09 June 2011

I am fast approaching my last month as a civilian. I am fast approaching having to say goodbye to everything and everyone I know and start over somewhere new. Petrified is the only word I can think of when people ask me how I feel about all of this. I've spent the past year being so excited for all of this to happen and now that I'm getting ready to get everything I've wanted, I'm terrified. What if I am not good at my job? What if I can't save lives? What if Derek and I can't make it through this? I'm terrified of every aspect. But I am trying to trust in the things I do know. I have spent years preparing for this job. I will love what I'm doing. I will do my best to take care of people. Derek and I are married. We love each other. And we will try as hard as we ever have at this.