April 29, 2010

"That ol' sun comes up every mornin'
And goes back down at the end of every day
It's just that way."

Some days I just wish night would last forever. No more getting up for school and work. Out of 168 hours in a week, I'm at school thirty-five hours and at work another thirty or forty. I am so tired all the time. I just don't know what I'm doing wasting away what is supposed to be the best time in my life. &&I can never seem to know what I want. Follow heart or mind? It should be an easy choice, but it's not. I've pretty much made up my mind that I'm going active&&I'm so so scared. I don't like telling people that. I'm petrified. What if I get so scared that I freeze. What if I can't do my job. There's always so many things running through my mind. No one to share any of it with. Who would understand. Joey asked me if I'd been to church lately. I wish I could have said "Of course." But I don't think that I could ever walk back into a church and feel at home. I listen to preachers and I read bible verses, and all I think about is how naive everyone is for believing any of it. Gah. I don't even know what I'm writing about. I want to be fearless. I want to love waking up and facing each day again. I used to be like that. Idk what happened. I want to stop closing myself off. I have zero trust.
Now on to a new rant. I deserve to be treated so differently. I have zero trust because no one EVER proves themselves. No one follows through on their words anymore. This world has come to shit. I deserve to be treated better. &&My saying this is directed at one person. He/She knows who they are. I am DONE. This friendship will never be the same. I finally give up&&it tears me apart to say that. I've spent the last week miserable over this decision but I am not going to be hurt by you any more. I never thought it would affect me like this to lose you as a friend; I was wrong. Your bullshitting days should have ended a year ago. I proved myself to you&&when it was your turn to do the same, you tucked your tail and ran like a dog. Friends don't hurt friends. As much as this hurts, letting you keep this up hurts even worse. Waiting&&wondering;it's just not worth it. I'm letting go&&I'm hoping you grow up soon.
Ugh. It seems like I'm always bitching. I'm not. I always write better when I am though. Haha.
Ughhhh. I'm so frustrated all the time. I don't know what I want. I don't know why I'm so restless.

April 13, 2010

Hm. I go to meps tomorrow. I'm taking my asvab and getting my physical. Next month is the swearing in process.
I'm anxious excited/nervous. I don't really know what to feel.
I know that in general, I feel a lot of fed up lately.
Pretty much been a screw everything week.
It'll get better though. I'm waiting on that silver lining to jump out at me.
I can't say that I haven't laughed this week though. I've laughed plenty. That's always a good thing.
A friend of mine got hit by a car&&died Thursday night. It was the 8th. I want that documented.
He was only 16&&he deserved to live.
That just strengthens my belief that there is no god.
No god would have caused something like that. No god would have made two 16 year old boys hold their best friend's head while he died in the middle of the road.
Enough about that though. Where ever you are, Brad Hillard, I hope you rest in peace. You touched a lot of people in your sixteen years&&nobody will ever forget you.
On to other things. Uh.
Well volleyball's coming up again soon. I miss it.
I'm getting married in approximately a year. Chyeaaaah. Never thought I'd ever say that.
Surprise. Haha.
I'm finally saving money. It makes me pretty damn proud.
There's not much more going on.
I'll be a senior in another two months.
Hell to the motherfucking yeah.
I absolutely can't wait to finish high school. I'm fed up with it.
Ryan says I'm too mature for my age.
I highly doubt that.
I just don't like bullshit.
Haha.
I feel old though. I work 40 hours a week now&&school takes up about 35 hours.
I rarely have any time to myself.
I don't know what to think about much of anything lately. I'm just making it through day by day.
Maybe that's all we can ask for though, ya know?
Ah well. I should get me some food before bed.
I'll write again eventually.

March 10, 2010

If I could sit down and write a list of all the things that I dislike about the person I am right now, the list would probably never end. Matt thinks that he is the cause for my unhappiness&&he's not. I'm not one bit happy with me. I look in the mirror every day and I wonder how I turned into this person. Was it over night or was it more of a gradual thing. I could blame Matt and Kelsey and my mother. I could blame all of the people who've ever hurt me. I could say that I've just learned not to let myself get hurt anymore, but it's more than that. It's not their fault because I somehow have made the decision to become this person. Some nights I lie awake and wonder if this was inadvertently my goal. To be this shell of a person. Is there still a trace of the old me in there? I'm so sick of so many things;I'm sick of things about me, about this place, this life. That sounds rather emo&&I'm not wanting to kill myself or anything. I'm just sick of this routine. Get up, get dressed, put a smile on, school, work, and back home. I'm sick of Tennessee&&most of the people in it. I wonder if it's this place that brings out the worst in me or if I bring it out in myself. There's a whole lot of the "worst" in me coming out lately. &&What sucks about that is that I wonder if that's really the worst in me, or if that's just me. I want...I want to be effortlessly happy, for once. I want...to go one day without being so easily irked. I know that would give Matt a break. &&Maybe if I could do that, him&I could get back to that place. That place where it was so easy to just be together. Nothing else really mattered&&that was okay. We've both seemed to have lost ourselves, our togetherness, in the number of months, days, and hours that has been the past two years. I don't think we love each other any less. I think we've actually come to love each other more, somehow. Maybe it's because we've seen our faults mirrored in each other. But I do think that we've come to forget that it sometimes takes a little work to keep the "in love" stage. I think we've both grown comfortable&&that can be a relationship breaker. I want to get back to that place. I want to get back to the person he first met. I want so many different things&&I have absolutely no idea where to start. &&Sadly, I want to be selfless enough that all of this stupid shit doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter, but it does. I really wish I could be one of those people that don't complain. I used to be. I used to just let shit happen&&I dealt with it with no problem. I don't know when that changed, how, or why. I want to be one of those people that just does what they have to do&&no less. I want to be looked up to for who I am. I want the determination&&the motivation that I used to have. I want to wake up every day and strive to be the very best version of me that is possible. But lack of motivation is always there. Something always goes wrong. It's like I see myself retreating into that shell of a person but I can't stop it. I sit back and I hear myself talk to people. I hear the bitchy things that come out of my mouth but I don't even attempt to filter or think of a better way to say them. I know I'm pretty mean to Matt. He tries so hard to be nice sometimes. &&I just can't let him. I have no idea why. I don't let anyone close anymore. I always find a way to push in the opposite direction. Most days, I don't even know that my smile is real. I used to be so effortlessly happy. &&In control of me. Some where along this path, I've lost that essence of myself. Where does one start when trying to repair herself?

February 5, 2010

A rough couple of weeks. My schedule at school is killer;along with my schedule at work. Matt and I are kind of looking for a place too. I got a new kitty though. His name is Buu. (: He's the cutest little thing. I finally quit smoking! I am the proudest I think I've ever been of myself. Okay maybe not ever but in a while. Haha. Things are changing. I can feel it. Ryan and Erik are close to being deployed to Haiti. Not afganistan but it still scares the living shit out of me. Matt is probably going to AIT early which means another two or three months of falling asleep missing him and waking up without him. It's hard but I know we'll be okay. I just wish it didn't suck so bad sometimes. My schedule this semester has me running circles around myself already. Clinical Internship, Psychology, Combined Studies, and Pre-Cal. I swear I might die before it's all over. Work is alright. There's a new GM that noone can stand but it's all good. Gah. I still miss grandma so much. We found her pillows. It pretty much made my entire day. Not too much has happened so there's not much to write about;but I do have an eight hour shift waiting for me tomorrow starting at ten am so I'm going to get ready for some sleep. (: I'll write again eventually.

January 12, 2010

It's been a while, obviously. I'm only working one job now and we're in a new semester in school. Still haven't gotten my enlistment papers done but looking forward to it. I'm just learning that Monterey, California is an option for us. When I say us, I mean Erik, Ryan, Matt, and myself. It's a little scary to think about, honestly. I'm not sure where I stand on it. Today's been a rough day. Mostly work was just...not horrible but it was just a long day. Seven and a half hours and we were slammed the whole time. Anyways, I'm going to relax now. I'm going to try to keep up with this.

November 8, 2009

I'm not really sure what to say. My brother and I have created this...chasm between us. I don't know how to fill it back up. I don't know if we can. That scares the crap out of me. Matt's back from drills. I missed him a lot this weekend. I'm not really sure why. I spent the weekend working and cleaning, but aside from what happened with Ryan, it wasn't half bad. I start my second job Tuesday. I'm hoping this'll help me get everything caught up and some money saved. I need that so bad right now. I'd really like to spend some time with Matt for a while so I think I'm gonna keep this short.

October 22, 2009

10.21.09. 10:59pm

RIP Barbera Monnett.

Grandma, you were an amazing person. You taught me when to stand up for myself and when to keep my mouth closed. I can't believe you've been taken so soon, but I'm so glad you're not in pain anymore. You fought so long and I know you didn't give up. You were the worlds greatest grandma. I wish I would've told you more how much you mean to me and how much you've made a difference in my life. You were so strong, everyday of your life. You always went against the odds. I can't explain how I'm feeling without you right now, but it helps to know you're at peace. You're always in my heart and I won't do anything without thinking of you. I love you so much&I'm going to miss you.

October 19, 2009

I am officially the worst at keeping up with writing. I'm not really sure why. I just forget sometimes. Last night, I was just sitting there with Paige and I started thinking about Matt. We have plenty of problems sometimes, but not as much as we used to. I'm so proud of him as a soldier and as a person. It really makes me smile to think of him anymore. He's nothing less than amazing to me, even on the days I don't deserve it. I found a bunch of quotes and I just wanted to post them up here. A few of them are funny;they're about being a military girlfriend. I'm proud to be one, especially to him. More than that, I'm lucky.

They look ordinary,
They lace up just the same.
But its not the boots that matter.
Its the soldier in the boots,
That means the world to me.

Hugging your soldier goodbye or hello can be one of two opposite experiences: the most terrifying gut wrenching saddest moments of your life. or the overwhelming happiness that your soldier is home. saying hello to your soldier when he comes home from deployment is the most indescribable happiest moments you will ever experience.

"Missing someone gets easier everyday because even though you are one day further from the last time you saw them, you are one day closer to the next time you will."

"What you don't know is that I know love on an entirely different level from most. I know the love that spans time and space; that love that most people are constantly searching for. I'm one of the girls who waits months for a single kiss; a kiss that will make the months apart worth every second. A kiss where everything in the world stops and for what seems like eternity, you can see into that person's soul and know that without them, life is not worth living. You tell me, I'm too young to be "so in love"; I know that love has no age limit. You tell me I don't even understand what love is, I tell you "I know more love in one homecoming than most know in a life time". You don't know that every time he leaves part of me goes with him and part of him stays with me. You tell me that people change and I tell you "true love with always remains constant and steady". You tell me, I'm too young to be married, I tell you "and I'm too in love to not be". You tell me you know how I feel and that you understand what I'm going through; you have no idea. What you don't realize is that I understand the true meaning of not only love, but of longing and anticipation."

"Military relationships are the product of many tears born both in happiness and despair, nights alone wondering where he is, if he's safe. It's looking at pictures, knowing that's the only way I can see his face, calling my voice mail to hear his voice, and not washing his clothes until they've lost his scent. But it's all worth it in the end, because I know I have one of the purest loves in the world because my Soldier truly knows the meaning of Honor, Courage, and Commitment, not only to the U.S. Army, but to me. And that makes everything worthwhile."

"You don't know, but I'm the girl who cries every morning, and hopes every night for his safe return. I'm the girl who drags herself out of bed every morning so that he will be proud of her when he comes home. I'm the girl who lies in bed longing for him to be lying next to me. I'm the girl who sits quietly during class because all I can think about is that next moment when he will safely be in my arms again. You don't know, but I'm the girl with a million things to say, but not one will come out without the thought of him. I'm the girl who checks my cell phone every five seconds just to make sure I haven't missed his call. I'm the girl who stops and stares and wishes for him to return soon each and every time another man in uniform walks by."

If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't know adventure. You don't know smelly gray PT uniforms that require a daily washing. You can't understand green and brown camouflaged bags flooding your bedroom floor.
If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't understand the meaning of the phrase "going to the field" and the weeks you spend away from each other.
If you're not in love with a soldier, you can never imagine the hole in your heart when that phone call comes? "Honey, I am leaving tomorrow to go overseas. I don't know how long I will be gone or exactly where I am going, but I want you to know that I love you - always!"
If you're not in love with a soldier, you don't know what it's like to say that final good-bye. You don't know what it really means to be glued to the television. You don't understand fear and you can't possibly understand the sleepless nights of endless crying wondering if you will ever see the love of your life alive again.
If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't know the immense joy, the uncontrollable smile, or the butterflies in your stomach when you see your soldier march into the family waiting area upon redeployment. You can't understand the self-control it takes to stand on the other side of the room as some higher-up gives a seemingly endless welcome home speech while all the soldiers stand in formation. You don't know what it's like to have that second first kiss or what it's like to experience puppy love all over.
If you're not in love with a soldier, you can't truly understand how to make every moment count because you never know when that phone call may come again.
If you're not in love with a soldier, you can never really understand how very delicate life is!

"Why do I do it? Because nights alone aren't permanent. Missing him reminds me that I'm lucky to have someone to miss because I am not afraid to make sacrifices for true love."

I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card; I am not a dependent or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this.
I have promised to be here for him upon his return no matter how long he is away. They may say I am insane for making such a commitment, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe. I know well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.
There is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment, though I love him no less for it. I hope every day that he will be able to call because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on a brief communication where I love you and I’m okay speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.
I take mo moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, and every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off and start a new day.
If you think being a soldier is tough, try loving one.
If you think soldiers are strong, you should look at their girls.

"What I have with him is worth it. It is worth every lonely night, every tear I cry from missing him and the pain I feel from not having him close. It is worth it because he is my one and only. When I picture myself years from now, I see only him. No matter how painful distance can be, not having him in my life would be so much worse!"

"Screw the shining armor-I'll take my man in dirty camo!"

October 14, 2011

I'm not good at keeping up with things;
Which is why it's been a few days. :D We're playing in a tournament right now so I've been pretty tired every day. Tommy and Paige got married! Yay them. School's going really good, actually. I'm also on my second period this month...weird, I know. I pulled a muscle in my thigh. Doc says if I just have time to rest, everything will heal. Let's hope he's right. Lol. Well, long day tomorrow so I'm gonna head to bed. :] Here's to hoping we beat East and West tomorrow. :]

October 11, 2009

I was definitely too tired to type last night. The wedding was amazing. Paige was absolutely stunning and Tommy looked great in his dress blues. His face when he saw her was priceless. The reception was gorgeous as well. It also got Matt talking about a wedding, which kind of scares me but I'll get past that. After the wedding we wound up at Maria's house for Tyler's birthday party. I fell asleep pretty early. In about ten minutes Matt and I are going to start cleaning our room and going through our things. We have a lot of clutter. I work at five so I guess I've got to get offline and get busy. :D Let's hope for another good day.