April 29, 2010

"That ol' sun comes up every mornin'
And goes back down at the end of every day
It's just that way."

Some days I just wish night would last forever. No more getting up for school and work. Out of 168 hours in a week, I'm at school thirty-five hours and at work another thirty or forty. I am so tired all the time. I just don't know what I'm doing wasting away what is supposed to be the best time in my life. &&I can never seem to know what I want. Follow heart or mind? It should be an easy choice, but it's not. I've pretty much made up my mind that I'm going active&&I'm so so scared. I don't like telling people that. I'm petrified. What if I get so scared that I freeze. What if I can't do my job. There's always so many things running through my mind. No one to share any of it with. Who would understand. Joey asked me if I'd been to church lately. I wish I could have said "Of course." But I don't think that I could ever walk back into a church and feel at home. I listen to preachers and I read bible verses, and all I think about is how naive everyone is for believing any of it. Gah. I don't even know what I'm writing about. I want to be fearless. I want to love waking up and facing each day again. I used to be like that. Idk what happened. I want to stop closing myself off. I have zero trust.
Now on to a new rant. I deserve to be treated so differently. I have zero trust because no one EVER proves themselves. No one follows through on their words anymore. This world has come to shit. I deserve to be treated better. &&My saying this is directed at one person. He/She knows who they are. I am DONE. This friendship will never be the same. I finally give up&&it tears me apart to say that. I've spent the last week miserable over this decision but I am not going to be hurt by you any more. I never thought it would affect me like this to lose you as a friend; I was wrong. Your bullshitting days should have ended a year ago. I proved myself to you&&when it was your turn to do the same, you tucked your tail and ran like a dog. Friends don't hurt friends. As much as this hurts, letting you keep this up hurts even worse. Waiting&&wondering;it's just not worth it. I'm letting go&&I'm hoping you grow up soon.
Ugh. It seems like I'm always bitching. I'm not. I always write better when I am though. Haha.
Ughhhh. I'm so frustrated all the time. I don't know what I want. I don't know why I'm so restless.

April 13, 2010

Hm. I go to meps tomorrow. I'm taking my asvab and getting my physical. Next month is the swearing in process.
I'm anxious excited/nervous. I don't really know what to feel.
I know that in general, I feel a lot of fed up lately.
Pretty much been a screw everything week.
It'll get better though. I'm waiting on that silver lining to jump out at me.
I can't say that I haven't laughed this week though. I've laughed plenty. That's always a good thing.
A friend of mine got hit by a car&&died Thursday night. It was the 8th. I want that documented.
He was only 16&&he deserved to live.
That just strengthens my belief that there is no god.
No god would have caused something like that. No god would have made two 16 year old boys hold their best friend's head while he died in the middle of the road.
Enough about that though. Where ever you are, Brad Hillard, I hope you rest in peace. You touched a lot of people in your sixteen years&&nobody will ever forget you.
On to other things. Uh.
Well volleyball's coming up again soon. I miss it.
I'm getting married in approximately a year. Chyeaaaah. Never thought I'd ever say that.
Surprise. Haha.
I'm finally saving money. It makes me pretty damn proud.
There's not much more going on.
I'll be a senior in another two months.
Hell to the motherfucking yeah.
I absolutely can't wait to finish high school. I'm fed up with it.
Ryan says I'm too mature for my age.
I highly doubt that.
I just don't like bullshit.
Haha.
I feel old though. I work 40 hours a week now&&school takes up about 35 hours.
I rarely have any time to myself.
I don't know what to think about much of anything lately. I'm just making it through day by day.
Maybe that's all we can ask for though, ya know?
Ah well. I should get me some food before bed.
I'll write again eventually.