It's been awhile.

It's been six months since I sat on this couch. I feel like a completely different person. I love my home. I missed it incredibly. But I also feel like this place holds nothing for me except for the past.

09 June 2011

I am fast approaching my last month as a civilian. I am fast approaching having to say goodbye to everything and everyone I know and start over somewhere new. Petrified is the only word I can think of when people ask me how I feel about all of this. I've spent the past year being so excited for all of this to happen and now that I'm getting ready to get everything I've wanted, I'm terrified. What if I am not good at my job? What if I can't save lives? What if Derek and I can't make it through this? I'm terrified of every aspect. But I am trying to trust in the things I do know. I have spent years preparing for this job. I will love what I'm doing. I will do my best to take care of people. Derek and I are married. We love each other. And we will try as hard as we ever have at this.

May 3, 2011

Lately I've realized that all I have to do is look around to see the beauty in being alive. I wake up each day feeling like I have been blessed beyond any logical reason. I know I have. I married the most amazing man. My friends would be here for me any second of any day. Life throws its curve balls and it gives me roadblocks to find my way around, but the other end of that is this. When I make it around those roadblocks, when I find a way to turn the curve ball into something good, I end up happy. That's what it's all about. I have close to seventy days left of civilian life. I want it to be the best yet; and it will be with Derek and my friends and family by my side. I am happy. I love the chaos that is every day life. I love the way life molds me into who I am supposed to be. I love the way things fall apart and fall together so seemingly random. I can't wait to see where married life takes me. I can't wait to see what we will both learn from this. I hope we never lose what we have now; I just want to build on it and make it better-which seems impossible because it is already so perfect. This is what life is about.

March 15, 2011

Fortitude-(noun)-mental and emotional strength in facing difficulty, adversity, danger or temptation courageously.

Every time I post, I am going to insert a virtue that I want to work on. Today's virtue is "fortitude". I want to learn to face adversity with my head high. I want to be mentally strong when I'm faced with something new or something difficult. I want to be able to turn away from temptation that isn't right for me. Fortitude.

March 11, 2011

Alright, I'm going to start by posting this link. http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/Supreme_Court/westboro-baptist-church-quadruple-military-funeral-protests-supreme/story?id=13039045

Let me just start by saying that these soldiers, these "punishments for a screwed up America" are the ONLY reason you are given the first amendment right to freedom of speech. You're not speaking your God's word. You know nothing of this God. Your hatred is one hundred percent human. Your spite comes from YOURS, not God's heart and you are no better than the people who are killing our brothers, sons, fathers, sisters, and mothers. You don't deserve the rights of the constitution when you abuse them the way you are. Wars have been fought since before homosexuality was an issue. Wars have been fought and soldiers have died way before today's world. Your scenario does not fit. And since you obviously don't know the God you say you represent, I can honestly say that if he is as spiteful and unforgiving as you, I'm glad that I don't know him. The God I choose to believe in HONORS our fallen. He does not punish out of hate and anger. He loves EVERYONE, even homosexuals. God is not interested in dealing emotional stress to people. You are extremely arrogant in assuming you are the mouth of god. Let me ask you something; How much do you get paid to be the "mouth of God" ? I bet it's a lot more than you deserve. You get paid to walk around and talk about hate and hell and being punished while people like Abigail Moore, a United States Marine, are willing to give up EVERYTHING of monetary value to go and teach God's love to underprivileged countries. Again, you know NOTHING of the word of god. You are no better than the soldiers who died on Afgan soil. You are not above them because you stay in the safety of America and picket their funerals. As a matter of fact, you are BELOW them. To hold up a sign to a fallen soldier that reads "GOD HATES YOU" is completely lacking in morals. You, sir, and your entire church are what make humanities destruction imminent.

06 March 2011;My rant for the day.

So one would think that after eight months, a person would be ready to move on. You, however, are not. I don't know if you need me to spell it out for you, but for your benefit, I will. You have been broken up for over nine months. We have been together for eight. There is NO reason you should be texting and calling him with shit about your relationship. You are not asking for friendship like that. You are asking him to hold on to you the way you are holding onto him. If he wants to be friends, he will make it a point to find you. If you want to be friends, then stop bringing up your past and then throwing a hissy fit when he does not share your nostalgia. You are spoiled and you are selfish and the way you are acting is not a display of love. It is a little girl who didn't get what she wanted. You lash out when you are unhappy and it makes you seem like an ugly person. I do not know you personally, so I cannot make an adequate judgement on your character, but from what you have shown, I can say that your idea of who you are does not fit the reality. You see yourself as a wonderful person, and that's fine. But practice what you preach. Apologizing later does not make it okay to say what you want. It does not give you the right to use your words like weapons against someone you supposedly "love" just because you're not getting your way. He is a WONDERFUL person. He is thoughtful and kind and he has done everything to minimize hurting you, even putting our own relationship at risk. So when you sit back and throw your hissy, remember that it is that person that he fell out of love with. You are not the person you convince yourself that you are. Before you point fingers at him, make sure that your damn hands are clean.

Rant number two:
Cheating is cheating. I thought I wasn't mad, but I am. Yes, it was seven months ago. Yes, we had only been together a month. Yes, I had the chance to walk away before it ever happened. But, we WERE together. One month or eight months doesn't make a difference. If you would cheat then, there's always a chance you could cheat now. I could have walked, but I didn't. I saw something in you;The same thing I see in you as I sit across from you now. You are an amazing person. You are smart and thoughtful and kind. You are compassionate. You are a good person. And I love you for all those things and so many more. But I have overlooked enough in the last eight months. I overlooked your indecisiveness. I overlooked her calling and texting and sending me messages. I overlooked her coming up to me in public. I overlooked your unwillingness to tell her about us for three months. I overlooked the late night phone calls and texts. I overlooked you disappearing with her for hours or days and not being able to talk to you. I overlooked you running to her when she "needed" you. And months later, I have continued to overlook her calls and texts. I won't anymore. We can make it through this. And I will eventually learn to forgive you and trust you again. But I will be given the assurance that this ends now. I should be confident in your feelings and your faithfulness. I will not settle for anything less. And I know you can be the man your mother raised you to be. I know you can be the man you want to be. I believe that you can. Yes, I am mad and hurt and sick to my stomach right now. But I love you enough to fight through that for us. I hope you love me enough to do the same.

Growing Pains and Lessons Learned

I'm sitting here on my couch beside Derek, eating heated up Chinese food and I can't help but think of how much growing up hurts. My dad is moving to Indiana this weekend. I don't know what I'm going to do with him being two states away. I'm not ready for this. I know that I've been on my own for almost four years now, but he's always been no more than an hour away. I feel...scared and a little left behind, which is stupid because I'll be leaving in a matter of months...But I'm not ready to let go yet. I thought I would have longer with my family. I thought they would be at the hotel when I left. Instead, I'll be saying goodbye in four days rather than four months. It makes me sad. The only upside is that I am learning that being sad or upset or mad doesn't necessarily mean that I am unhappy. I used to think that I could not be happy and upset about something at the same time. But I'm learning just how possible that is. I get sad or upset or mad at situations; but I am happy with my life. I wake up in the mornings. I come home every day to Derek Michael Rice. I smile more than I frown. This is happiness. And at the end of every day, no matter how stressful it is, I am noticing that I am smiling. So even though I feel unprepared for my dad leaving, I will take this as a learning opportunity. I will take this as a chance to see what I am made of. And though I'll be sad, I'll know that it is okay to feel that way. I will know that it does not betray my happiness in any way to sometimes feel sad or stressed. And for the next 138 days, I will make it my mission to smile and welcome happiness. I will make it my goal to spend as much time with the people that are here, because they are the people that make my life full. And I will remember that although he is two states away, he is only a phone call away; and because of the way he raised me, he is in my head and my heart with every decision I make. So ready or not, here life comes.

21 February 2011

Only 139 days left. It sounds like a lot, but so did "a year" back in July, Now there's less than five months left and I can't decide if I'm excited or scared. I just can't picture my life after leaving here. I can't even begin to describe how much I will miss everyone. I can't imagine leaving Derek. But I can't wait to be a medic, either. I know that this is what I was meant to do and I'm beyond excited to see it all within my reach. I've done a lot of thinking about me and my life in general lately. I'm trying to be a better person. I have a long ass way to go though. Haha. Derek makes it easier though. He is a lot more than I deserve. I'm changing jobs next month. Taco bell in Knoxville. It's going to be weird to be away from Sonic, but I think it'll be less stressful. Maybe I won't bring work home so much, I got my first car! A 1998 Kia Sportage. I love it! I've gotta get up and running now. I'll write again soon.

January 28, 2011

I woke up today in a mood to write. I have less than six months before I leave. I am absolutely dreading it, while at the same time, I'm so excited I can barely contain it. I am going to get to be a MEDIC! But I find it impossible to think of leaving Derek and Ryan and my friends. Erik gets deployed May first. I am dreading that day and he is excited. Go figure. We're taking him to Florida for his 21st birthday. I can't wait to be back on the beach. Derek and I have our own apartment! We're moving stuff in all this week. I can't believe how far we've come in just six months. It feels like we've been together forever. We still haven't fought at all. He is so much more than I deserve. Sonic still sucks. Only five months left until I can quit. Haha. There's a lot going on right now, and at the same time, nothing is really changing. I feel like I need to get back in touch with a few friends. I get in these moods where I just don't want to be around people. I haven't seen Meme or Jamie in forever. And there's a few more that I keep promising to see. I started writing letters in a notebook to Derek for after I leave. I just know what it's like to be the one here, waiting. I've been there. I want to do everything I can to make it easier on him. The first few days are the worst, especially because you can't send or receive any letters. So I'll leave him a notebook full of letters to have until we can start writing each other. That's it for now, really. I'll write again soon.