Forgiveness;

“Anger is the right response to something that is so wrong. But don't let the anger and pain and loss you feel prevent you from forgiving him and removing your hands from around his neck.”  

“Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver...to release you from something that will eat you alive; that will destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly. Do you think this man cares about the pain and torment you have gone through? If anything, he feeds on that knowledge. Don't you want to cut that off? And in doing so, you'll release him from a burden that he carries whether he knows it or not--acknowledges it or not.”  


“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat. Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established. Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation. Forgiveness does not excuse anything. You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness.”-The Shack


I want to let go of your throat. I want to let go of hers. I don't want to keep this bitterness inside of me any longer. I deserve to be free of it. God wants me to be free of it. Close to a month ago, as I was driving to church, I was explaining some of the situation to my battle in the passenger seat next to me. We spoke about my wanting to one day be in a place to forgive you, but that I just wasn't there yet. Though the situation was not new to me, the hurt was still fresh, and I wanted to be angry and grieve just a little bit longer. And then God let me know just how strongly he stood against those feelings of mine. I sat in church, prepared to listen, wanting to be open to the message that would be given-and though he had a completely different subject typed up and ready to be spoken on, our speaker felt compelled to discuss fathers and forgiveness. He spoke about feelings of betrayal, being pushed away, being bitter and resentful towards his father-and continued to talk about forgiveness. How that hatred buries us, how it distorts our view, how it pulls us away from our one true Father's love. And for only the second time in my life, I knew that He, my Yahweh, was talking directly to me. I cried. I prayed for you. I prayed for her. I prayed for His help in finding forgiveness in what seemed to be an ocean of hurt. And it has taken me a while to find words and heart to say this to you, but I forgive you. I will probably have to say it a hundred times today, probably two hundred tomorrow. I will probably have to say it for a long time before it becomes one hundred percent true, but I know that I am on the right path. The hurt, it's still there. It might always be there. The resentment, I fight it every day, and eventually, God will wash it out of my soul. I still feel like you have wronged me so many times, in so many ways, but I refuse to let my anger control me. I put the quote in because I need you to understand what forgiveness is, in my heart. My forgiveness is not an invitation back into my life. Right now, I don't think that's possible. It may not be possible, ever. Forgiveness does not require a relationship-and I don't want one. I don't want one with her, I don't want one with you. The circles we have run for the past seven years have grown tiring, and they only aid in the resentment that I've harbored. I don't deserve to be cussed and and told that I've ruined someone's life. I don't deserve her cussing and calling me things. I choose not to allow that in my life and IF the day ever comes, into my children's life. I admit that I attacked her the day I sent the initial message. I should not have cussed or called her any names. But I still believe ignoring something is the same as condoning it, and that I won't do. So I will not put myself into a situation that can explode like that again. If and when you are willing to listen to me, without first thinking of a rebuttal to anything I have to say, I am willing to listen to you. Not before, not with your foot halfway in and halfway out.