May 20, 2010

I am so far past gone. I feel...well, empty. I broke up with Matt. It killed me but I know that neither of us were happy. Most days, it takes every bit of effort I have to roll out of bed. I couldn't give him what he deserved anymore. &&he stopped trying to give me what I deserved. I'm miserable. I just want things to go back. I'm tired of feeling like all I want to do is cry and sleep. Except that I don't sleep. Not any more than 3 hours a night, anyways....I eat once a day, if that. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I used to believe in Matt&&I. I swore to never hurt him. I wanted to marry him. How do you just wake up one day&&not know anymore. How do you stop believing? I don't remember this depression starting. I just know that one day I stopped looking forward to waking up. I stopped seeing how bright my smile was. I stopped wanting to laugh. &&Then I just stopped caring. I want to be better than this. My family, my friends...they all deserve the best version of me. &&I can't seem to give that to them. Matt doesn't deserve to hurt like he is right now. &&I will never forgive myself for that. I feel like I'm being sucked more and more under. It's not getting any better. I work six days a week just to keep my mind going. Plus I've gotta save money to move. &&to fix&&plate my car. &&to pay for where the truck hit the house. &&senior pictures are coming up, 75 hours on my last check. Still not enough money to get everything paid. Most days, I honestly don't even care. The only thing that stops me from just giving up is pride. I think at this point, I could just let everything go&&it wouldn't bother me at all...I just want things back to the way they were. Idk how I got here. Idk how to fix it.