May 25, 2010

"Can you help me out;Can you lend me a hand?
It's safe to say I'm stuck again.
Trapped between this life and the light,
I just can't figure out how to make it right.

A thousand times before,
I've wondered if there's something more;
Something more."

This song fits me pretty well lately. I've noticed a lot of my writing has been pretty depressing lately.
&&it seems as if I'm not trying to overcome this.
&&That is sad and pathetic&&I refuse to let whatever this is win.
It won't control me the way it did&&still does control my mother. I will walk away from this with my head held high, unlike her.
So today, I'm going to write about something going right. I can't say that I'm excited for anything;I feel more numb every day.
But I will figure this out.
&&I will start by trying to look at the good first.
I get to reserve my job Wednesday morning. This is something I've waited almost two years for&&it's finally happening. Ryan says he's proud. I really hope so.
Volleyball is coming up again. I hope being back on the court will help me some. I do miss it. So so much. I miss the diving. I miss the sweat. I miss the digs. I miss it all.
Ash and I found a place. We'll be moving in by the end of this week. It's kind of surreal, honestly. I did see myself being with Matt forever. Some days, I'm sure I still can. But the doubt is there&&somehow, I've changed. I love him&&what I'm doing is breaking my heart. But I know with every part of me that this is what we need. If we find our way back to each other, then I'll know that it's how it is supposed to be.
For the first time, I'm about to be able to say "my house" &&it be 100 the truth. That puts a smile on my face. I feel like I'm finally getting ahold of this growing up shit. I've been on my own for almost three years now&&though I don't get everything I want, I can take care of myself&&I don't need help. That makes me proud.
My schedule for senior year is killer;but I'm proud that I got into AP.
&&if I can make it through next year, I'll be out of high school.
This has all almost flown by me, really. Most of my friends are gone. &&I'll be leaving soon. I just can't believe that we're not those goofy little freshman kids anymore. I'm so proud of every one of my friends. Especially Erik, Ryan, Ciera, and Meme. They are all going to go so far&&none of them even see it yet. They are the most amazing people.
Ash is a good mom. &&I love Ian more than I ever thought I could love a kid. I have the best nephew ever! I want to stop cussing because I'm going to be living with him&&I don't want him to pick up bad habits. I don't want him to know about all the evils I had to face before I was ready. &&I will kill anyone that attempts to do him wrong. That little boy can turn my whole day around with a silly, lopsided smile. &&I'm going to be there for him, the way Ryan always has been for me. I'll be the best aunt ever.
I don't know that there's much else to say. I'm ready for summer. I'm ready for senior year. I'm ready to get out there on my own, even if it's hard. I'm ready to end this depression because I, and the people who love me, deserve better than what I'm doing right now. I will beat this.

"I feel it's gonna rain like this for days
Let it rain down and wash everything away
I hope that tomorrow the sun will shine
With every tomorrow brings another life
I feel it's gonna rain, for days and days
I feel it's gonna rain.

I tried to figure out, I can understand
What it means to live on again
Trapped inside the truth and the consequence
Nothings real, nothings making sense

A thousand times before
I've wondered if there's something more
Something more."