December 2, 2010

I find that every day holds something new for me;Even days that seem repetitive to me. Every day I learn something new-How to cope, how to put one foot in front of the other. I'm slowly working on myself. I'll keep chiseling away at who I am until I feel like I'm the person I should be. I love Derek. I know that and I'm starting to trust that now. Thanksgiving has passed. It was a good day. I have so much to be thankful for. I have so much more than I deserve out of this life. I graduated today. I was the most proud I've ever been of myself. And to hear Ryan say he was proud made me a million times happier. Normally, people would be saying "welcome to the real world" now;I guess I've been in the "real world" for years though. Not much is different other than not having to worry about school anymore. I'm considering taking some online classes before I leave for basic and such-just to get a head start on everything. I just don't know if I can handle it. I'm just way beyond happy today. There's really no other word for this euphoria. Part of me feels like this happiness will disappear as quickly as it has come;but part of me also doesn't care. I love days like this. I feel like me again&&it's breath-taking. I feel whole. Derek is the best boyfriend I've ever had, by far. He brings out a better person in me;He makes me feel like I am a better person when I'm with him. He makes me smile and laugh like nobody ever has. I don't deserve him;but I'm thankful for him, nonetheless. And I won't let one day pass without telling him that he's amazing. But I'm off to the skating rink and then to Jamie's. I'll write soon.

November 20, 2010

"I've been waiting for my dreams
to turn into something that I could believe in.
And looking for that magic rainbow
On the horizon, I couldn't see it,
Until I let go, gave into love
watched all the bitterness burn."

It's definitely been a while. I can't say that I've really been in a writing mood in the past few months. I kind of overwhelmed myself with school and work and things got bad there for a bit. I start the adult high school on Monday. I'm pretty disappointed in myself, but I honestly don't think I would have passed my classes. Situations change sometimes, and I have to learn to adapt. I'm trying to remember that. Some days it works better than others. I honestly hate being a manager at work. If I could afford it, I'd go back to being a hop. Ah well. Only eight more months. Thanksgiving is in a week. Then comes Christmas. I really miss grandma. I wish she were here to see everything. She used to love the Christmas lights. I've got a lot to be thankful for this year. I think I'm going to church on Christmas. I'm a little scared, but I don't want to tell Derek that. I just don't know if I'm ready yet. I want to be. I'm the one that suggested it. I just feel like it's something I need to do. I'm still getting those small bouts of the depression. I try to keep it away from everyone else. I'm pretty sure Dad thinks it's gone. I still get up out of bed every day. And MOST days, I am genuinely happy. It's just those random days where all I want to do is cry and stay in bed. I don't let myself though. I have been sleeping a bit better. I'm pretty impatient for the next year or two. I'm scared, but I'm more excited than scared. Lately, I've been overt hinking a lot of things. That's something that needs to stop. I love being roommates with Miranda. We get along great for the most part. I don't know that there's much else to say. I do know that I have to pee. So I guess I'll get off here. Til next time, online journal thing. (:

July 22, 2010

Hm. I find that today, for the first time in what seems like forever, I woke up happy. Not just in a good mood, but actually happy. I'd forgotten what it feels like. Derek keeps getting sweeter and sweeter. I keep waiting for that to change. I'm going to be an assistant manager at work. More headaches. Lol. But I'll be making 6.50 plus tips&that's always good. Senior year is only twenty days away. My birthday is only seventeen days away. I still can't believe I'm about to be eighteen. It doesn't seem that way. Things are changing quickly. All of us are planning to go to florida for christmas break-it's our last year together and we wanna do something big. After this all we'll have is holidays. I'm excited and anxious. So many different things at once. I know that I can't wait though. I also know that Derek makes me smile. He makes me laugh again. It's different. Matt comes home in a week. I'm hoping we'll be able to salvage our friendship. I do miss him. But anyways;long day ahead. Work later. I'll write again soon. (:

July 15, 2010

Everything changes;There's nothing more true than that. It can happen quicker than we realize. Matt cheated. That, I could've gotten over. It was with my best friend. That's the part that makes me sick. All I can ever see us being again is friends&that hurts. But I'm striving to more forward every day. I've finally sworn in. Two years active duty, four years reserve. I got the job I wanted. I almost couldn't believe it&now that the excitement is wearing off, I'm anxious. Haha. Volleyball's starting. I've only met the new coach once-we'll see how it goes. It was like a weight being lifted when I stepped on the court though. I've missed the hell out of it. I had my first dream of Grandma since she died. I woke up thinking she was still alive. It broke my heart all over again. She should be here to see all of this happening. She would've loved to see me growing up and finally starting to make my dreams happen. I hope she would've been proud. Ryan says he's proud of me. I don't see why. I haven't done anything. Senior year coming up. I'll be eighteen in less than a month. I'm leaving in 363 days. I hope I have a chance to enjoy this year before it goes to quickly. I'm a crew leader at work now. I hate it. Lol. Derek and I have been talking. I'm not sure where it'll lead. I'm not sure of anything right now. I just know that things are changing. I'm terrified of that;anxious at the same time. It's time for change. I just hope it's good change, for once.

May 25, 2010

"Can you help me out;Can you lend me a hand?
It's safe to say I'm stuck again.
Trapped between this life and the light,
I just can't figure out how to make it right.

A thousand times before,
I've wondered if there's something more;
Something more."

This song fits me pretty well lately. I've noticed a lot of my writing has been pretty depressing lately.
&&it seems as if I'm not trying to overcome this.
&&That is sad and pathetic&&I refuse to let whatever this is win.
It won't control me the way it did&&still does control my mother. I will walk away from this with my head held high, unlike her.
So today, I'm going to write about something going right. I can't say that I'm excited for anything;I feel more numb every day.
But I will figure this out.
&&I will start by trying to look at the good first.
I get to reserve my job Wednesday morning. This is something I've waited almost two years for&&it's finally happening. Ryan says he's proud. I really hope so.
Volleyball is coming up again. I hope being back on the court will help me some. I do miss it. So so much. I miss the diving. I miss the sweat. I miss the digs. I miss it all.
Ash and I found a place. We'll be moving in by the end of this week. It's kind of surreal, honestly. I did see myself being with Matt forever. Some days, I'm sure I still can. But the doubt is there&&somehow, I've changed. I love him&&what I'm doing is breaking my heart. But I know with every part of me that this is what we need. If we find our way back to each other, then I'll know that it's how it is supposed to be.
For the first time, I'm about to be able to say "my house" &&it be 100 the truth. That puts a smile on my face. I feel like I'm finally getting ahold of this growing up shit. I've been on my own for almost three years now&&though I don't get everything I want, I can take care of myself&&I don't need help. That makes me proud.
My schedule for senior year is killer;but I'm proud that I got into AP.
&&if I can make it through next year, I'll be out of high school.
This has all almost flown by me, really. Most of my friends are gone. &&I'll be leaving soon. I just can't believe that we're not those goofy little freshman kids anymore. I'm so proud of every one of my friends. Especially Erik, Ryan, Ciera, and Meme. They are all going to go so far&&none of them even see it yet. They are the most amazing people.
Ash is a good mom. &&I love Ian more than I ever thought I could love a kid. I have the best nephew ever! I want to stop cussing because I'm going to be living with him&&I don't want him to pick up bad habits. I don't want him to know about all the evils I had to face before I was ready. &&I will kill anyone that attempts to do him wrong. That little boy can turn my whole day around with a silly, lopsided smile. &&I'm going to be there for him, the way Ryan always has been for me. I'll be the best aunt ever.
I don't know that there's much else to say. I'm ready for summer. I'm ready for senior year. I'm ready to get out there on my own, even if it's hard. I'm ready to end this depression because I, and the people who love me, deserve better than what I'm doing right now. I will beat this.

"I feel it's gonna rain like this for days
Let it rain down and wash everything away
I hope that tomorrow the sun will shine
With every tomorrow brings another life
I feel it's gonna rain, for days and days
I feel it's gonna rain.

I tried to figure out, I can understand
What it means to live on again
Trapped inside the truth and the consequence
Nothings real, nothings making sense

A thousand times before
I've wondered if there's something more
Something more."

May 20, 2010

I am so far past gone. I feel...well, empty. I broke up with Matt. It killed me but I know that neither of us were happy. Most days, it takes every bit of effort I have to roll out of bed. I couldn't give him what he deserved anymore. &&he stopped trying to give me what I deserved. I'm miserable. I just want things to go back. I'm tired of feeling like all I want to do is cry and sleep. Except that I don't sleep. Not any more than 3 hours a night, anyways....I eat once a day, if that. I don't understand what's wrong with me. I used to believe in Matt&&I. I swore to never hurt him. I wanted to marry him. How do you just wake up one day&&not know anymore. How do you stop believing? I don't remember this depression starting. I just know that one day I stopped looking forward to waking up. I stopped seeing how bright my smile was. I stopped wanting to laugh. &&Then I just stopped caring. I want to be better than this. My family, my friends...they all deserve the best version of me. &&I can't seem to give that to them. Matt doesn't deserve to hurt like he is right now. &&I will never forgive myself for that. I feel like I'm being sucked more and more under. It's not getting any better. I work six days a week just to keep my mind going. Plus I've gotta save money to move. &&to fix&&plate my car. &&to pay for where the truck hit the house. &&senior pictures are coming up, 75 hours on my last check. Still not enough money to get everything paid. Most days, I honestly don't even care. The only thing that stops me from just giving up is pride. I think at this point, I could just let everything go&&it wouldn't bother me at all...I just want things back to the way they were. Idk how I got here. Idk how to fix it.

April 29, 2010

"That ol' sun comes up every mornin'
And goes back down at the end of every day
It's just that way."

Some days I just wish night would last forever. No more getting up for school and work. Out of 168 hours in a week, I'm at school thirty-five hours and at work another thirty or forty. I am so tired all the time. I just don't know what I'm doing wasting away what is supposed to be the best time in my life. &&I can never seem to know what I want. Follow heart or mind? It should be an easy choice, but it's not. I've pretty much made up my mind that I'm going active&&I'm so so scared. I don't like telling people that. I'm petrified. What if I get so scared that I freeze. What if I can't do my job. There's always so many things running through my mind. No one to share any of it with. Who would understand. Joey asked me if I'd been to church lately. I wish I could have said "Of course." But I don't think that I could ever walk back into a church and feel at home. I listen to preachers and I read bible verses, and all I think about is how naive everyone is for believing any of it. Gah. I don't even know what I'm writing about. I want to be fearless. I want to love waking up and facing each day again. I used to be like that. Idk what happened. I want to stop closing myself off. I have zero trust.
Now on to a new rant. I deserve to be treated so differently. I have zero trust because no one EVER proves themselves. No one follows through on their words anymore. This world has come to shit. I deserve to be treated better. &&My saying this is directed at one person. He/She knows who they are. I am DONE. This friendship will never be the same. I finally give up&&it tears me apart to say that. I've spent the last week miserable over this decision but I am not going to be hurt by you any more. I never thought it would affect me like this to lose you as a friend; I was wrong. Your bullshitting days should have ended a year ago. I proved myself to you&&when it was your turn to do the same, you tucked your tail and ran like a dog. Friends don't hurt friends. As much as this hurts, letting you keep this up hurts even worse. Waiting&&wondering;it's just not worth it. I'm letting go&&I'm hoping you grow up soon.
Ugh. It seems like I'm always bitching. I'm not. I always write better when I am though. Haha.
Ughhhh. I'm so frustrated all the time. I don't know what I want. I don't know why I'm so restless.

April 13, 2010

Hm. I go to meps tomorrow. I'm taking my asvab and getting my physical. Next month is the swearing in process.
I'm anxious excited/nervous. I don't really know what to feel.
I know that in general, I feel a lot of fed up lately.
Pretty much been a screw everything week.
It'll get better though. I'm waiting on that silver lining to jump out at me.
I can't say that I haven't laughed this week though. I've laughed plenty. That's always a good thing.
A friend of mine got hit by a car&&died Thursday night. It was the 8th. I want that documented.
He was only 16&&he deserved to live.
That just strengthens my belief that there is no god.
No god would have caused something like that. No god would have made two 16 year old boys hold their best friend's head while he died in the middle of the road.
Enough about that though. Where ever you are, Brad Hillard, I hope you rest in peace. You touched a lot of people in your sixteen years&&nobody will ever forget you.
On to other things. Uh.
Well volleyball's coming up again soon. I miss it.
I'm getting married in approximately a year. Chyeaaaah. Never thought I'd ever say that.
Surprise. Haha.
I'm finally saving money. It makes me pretty damn proud.
There's not much more going on.
I'll be a senior in another two months.
Hell to the motherfucking yeah.
I absolutely can't wait to finish high school. I'm fed up with it.
Ryan says I'm too mature for my age.
I highly doubt that.
I just don't like bullshit.
Haha.
I feel old though. I work 40 hours a week now&&school takes up about 35 hours.
I rarely have any time to myself.
I don't know what to think about much of anything lately. I'm just making it through day by day.
Maybe that's all we can ask for though, ya know?
Ah well. I should get me some food before bed.
I'll write again eventually.

March 10, 2010

If I could sit down and write a list of all the things that I dislike about the person I am right now, the list would probably never end. Matt thinks that he is the cause for my unhappiness&&he's not. I'm not one bit happy with me. I look in the mirror every day and I wonder how I turned into this person. Was it over night or was it more of a gradual thing. I could blame Matt and Kelsey and my mother. I could blame all of the people who've ever hurt me. I could say that I've just learned not to let myself get hurt anymore, but it's more than that. It's not their fault because I somehow have made the decision to become this person. Some nights I lie awake and wonder if this was inadvertently my goal. To be this shell of a person. Is there still a trace of the old me in there? I'm so sick of so many things;I'm sick of things about me, about this place, this life. That sounds rather emo&&I'm not wanting to kill myself or anything. I'm just sick of this routine. Get up, get dressed, put a smile on, school, work, and back home. I'm sick of Tennessee&&most of the people in it. I wonder if it's this place that brings out the worst in me or if I bring it out in myself. There's a whole lot of the "worst" in me coming out lately. &&What sucks about that is that I wonder if that's really the worst in me, or if that's just me. I want...I want to be effortlessly happy, for once. I want...to go one day without being so easily irked. I know that would give Matt a break. &&Maybe if I could do that, him&I could get back to that place. That place where it was so easy to just be together. Nothing else really mattered&&that was okay. We've both seemed to have lost ourselves, our togetherness, in the number of months, days, and hours that has been the past two years. I don't think we love each other any less. I think we've actually come to love each other more, somehow. Maybe it's because we've seen our faults mirrored in each other. But I do think that we've come to forget that it sometimes takes a little work to keep the "in love" stage. I think we've both grown comfortable&&that can be a relationship breaker. I want to get back to that place. I want to get back to the person he first met. I want so many different things&&I have absolutely no idea where to start. &&Sadly, I want to be selfless enough that all of this stupid shit doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter, but it does. I really wish I could be one of those people that don't complain. I used to be. I used to just let shit happen&&I dealt with it with no problem. I don't know when that changed, how, or why. I want to be one of those people that just does what they have to do&&no less. I want to be looked up to for who I am. I want the determination&&the motivation that I used to have. I want to wake up every day and strive to be the very best version of me that is possible. But lack of motivation is always there. Something always goes wrong. It's like I see myself retreating into that shell of a person but I can't stop it. I sit back and I hear myself talk to people. I hear the bitchy things that come out of my mouth but I don't even attempt to filter or think of a better way to say them. I know I'm pretty mean to Matt. He tries so hard to be nice sometimes. &&I just can't let him. I have no idea why. I don't let anyone close anymore. I always find a way to push in the opposite direction. Most days, I don't even know that my smile is real. I used to be so effortlessly happy. &&In control of me. Some where along this path, I've lost that essence of myself. Where does one start when trying to repair herself?

February 5, 2010

A rough couple of weeks. My schedule at school is killer;along with my schedule at work. Matt and I are kind of looking for a place too. I got a new kitty though. His name is Buu. (: He's the cutest little thing. I finally quit smoking! I am the proudest I think I've ever been of myself. Okay maybe not ever but in a while. Haha. Things are changing. I can feel it. Ryan and Erik are close to being deployed to Haiti. Not afganistan but it still scares the living shit out of me. Matt is probably going to AIT early which means another two or three months of falling asleep missing him and waking up without him. It's hard but I know we'll be okay. I just wish it didn't suck so bad sometimes. My schedule this semester has me running circles around myself already. Clinical Internship, Psychology, Combined Studies, and Pre-Cal. I swear I might die before it's all over. Work is alright. There's a new GM that noone can stand but it's all good. Gah. I still miss grandma so much. We found her pillows. It pretty much made my entire day. Not too much has happened so there's not much to write about;but I do have an eight hour shift waiting for me tomorrow starting at ten am so I'm going to get ready for some sleep. (: I'll write again eventually.

January 12, 2010

It's been a while, obviously. I'm only working one job now and we're in a new semester in school. Still haven't gotten my enlistment papers done but looking forward to it. I'm just learning that Monterey, California is an option for us. When I say us, I mean Erik, Ryan, Matt, and myself. It's a little scary to think about, honestly. I'm not sure where I stand on it. Today's been a rough day. Mostly work was just...not horrible but it was just a long day. Seven and a half hours and we were slammed the whole time. Anyways, I'm going to relax now. I'm going to try to keep up with this.